every minute is a new starting point

suffocating

2011-06-16T18:01:00.002+08:00

wonder y she must always bring him up in any conversation; even totally irrelevant

So suffocating. I m not keen to hear actually.

so who is heel over head over him?

fulfill ur own role in society bah. Dun think so much. I really worry for u

its cold its hot

2011-06-15T17:32:00.002+08:00

hate the sweating in cold

Finally sold the shares but it went above e price i sold :( anger!

So not fated with this share. Nevermind lah.

Earning only a $44 is so pathetic still!

haha

the next one will be better

Suddnely have the urge to rebond my hair n get it straight

So gemini. Random likings

really miss Winson.

So stop connecting me with other guys.

I wonder who have always been insecured... the answer is me and thus costs me losing u.

I wish for a new life but end up suffocating on own doings

how much can i say? nil. Just continue to pretend happy and let ppl keep wagigng her tongue.

人在做，天在看

Be mercy

2011-06-15T13:54:00.002+08:00

i think it is hillarious for ppl to use own judgement on others n then force it on others. U can do that to ur kids (i will pity them) but not on me.

Jeff was the person that knows me the best! he know i m a complicated soul n no one can better tell whats in my mind.

I love to study n exams n that is the reasons i studied part time courses. not as u think becos there is no ji tou. Crazy. u r pathetic to think that becos it mirrored what is inside of u.

人生是自己的。你留一点口德吧

Get real pls

2011-06-13T17:56:00.003+08:00

I am seriously worried and even annoyed by this friend.

He should know that we will only be friend forever! Nothing much!

The questions he pose exceed the line.....

Seriously at this age n experience, if i really accept a man, it will be a man who knows what he is doing, gained vast experience, able to carry himself full of EQ & higher IQ than me! What make you think that u r up to meet my requirements? There is nothing i can look up on you on bf qualities. As friend, i think we can still click as i do apply EQ in dealing with your immaturity.

Lets get real and stay as friend. Dun harbour tots.

I dun wan to lose this friendship n trying very hard to contain the anger.

Dun cross the line. I dun wanna lose more male friends.

Dun be silly, u wont be able to meet my expetations both spirtual and materially.

The men that imprinted in my heart

2011-06-13T17:51:00.002+08:00

Everthing went well but i think i m fallng sick!

:(

Y woudl my friend sms that she saw W.

Seriously i wont know how will i react if i chance into W.

I think E.H is so much easier to handle than W.

用情深，伤更深

Sometimes i wonder if he read the blog we used to host together.

Yes, yes, i will still continue to act strong despite all the teardrops.

Seriously, in my heart there are only a few persons..... maybe included BB but that is untouchable i also know.

Money & the Law of Attraction

2011-02-20T08:41:00.001+08:00

Looking forward having more money and financial assets

哭了

2011-02-18T14:59:00.002+08:00

想，我是一直在哭。哭不是脆弱，只想面对自己。

我不是一直不开心的。在一些方面的确伤感，其余还好

爱不是一切。只是我是人。伤口还是会痛。

笑容还是灿烂的

生活还是积极的

不明白的你，别评语太多

2010-12-26T09:00:00.001+08:00

这个圣诞节，病得不轻。

怎么了？

Meditation in front of Buddha

2010-12-21T17:08:00.002+08:00

cant have face reality more than these 2 days... Meditation in temple helps to neutralise some grievances & negativities. Realise efforts shifted from doing own good to feeling anger of others' doing. Time and energies wasted & hurt someone i love most. From now on, just wanna peace and do not want to be swirl in negativity. Save gossips to urself and spare me. Let me live peacefully for the Xmas & welcome yr2011.

I need to re-focus on myself. The $ shit is falling on me very soon and i need to work out budget in order to have a proper place to live. There is no time to absorb into other ppl prob.

It is difficult and i must persist

almost complete my 2010 reflection

2010-12-21T11:54:00.003+08:00

'Moving forward' In my unpublished blog entry :)

要深深记住！

2010-12-20T20:59:00.002+08:00

要沉得住气

u can dun respect me and my lifestyle and then do things that provoke my anger. I have to learn to keep own cool.

how can i get work up becos of u? u r just nothing more than a tool to me too.

上不了的妆

2010-12-20T17:09:00.002+08:00

彩妆对女生是重要的，它让妮神采飞扬。

可是这几个星期，总无法上妆。眼泪花了遮瑕膏。

忧伤是自己的；而自己是因该操控情绪的。可是，自己没法面对自己。。。

2010-12-19T21:36:00.000+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=e2mpVbfDZ2Q

Retreat 2010

2010-12-19T21:19:00.002+08:00

Have been doing self reflection for past few weeks.

This moment starts the proper 2 days intensive reflections. Running away from ppl and technology. Phone may be onz but not answering as possible.

Tots may just be fickle and disjoint but all r precious reflections or goals ahead.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tdy had good morning cycling at Pasir Ris Park. Then LS while shopping.

Bought new bedsheet set (which i have not been doing since separated from Calvin). Just want bed to look proper again. If i have to sleep alone forever, i want it to be nice.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Nothing wrong to be alone. Was reflecting this 2 yr r'ship while awaitin for paperwork to be done. It was an unplanned one. Actually which r'ship is planned? i have closed my heart but HOPE always fool ppl and i tot i give one more try. Then it has to go now.

I see the weak side of hearts.

Will never able to see hatred but just regrets.

So what made me fail from one to another? What made others fine?
Becos i never set standards and never have specific goals. Some r'ship i know can never work but i still go ahead becos i have faith in the other person. But that boils trouble becos there were pre-signs that thing wont work out. Now things surfaced, i can only sigh.

There is nothing wrong w/o r'ship. Living alone is something i m quite comfortable. Am as long as i do not know how to set standards and checklist, have better stay as i m now. Though consciously awaiting for him to u-turn... i hope u do, really.

But situation is such that there is no more u-turning and then moving ahead.

If that is the case, i will just move on silencely. Saddness will always be there but life has to go onz. 不再掏心掏肺 on another person.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
2011
气质要好多些。
人要美一些
身材要苗条些
吃要健康些
活要积极很多

Yr 2011 direction

2010-12-04T20:54:00.003+08:00

next year

- relationship status no longer 'It's complicated'
- Instead of embarking on certifications the focus may be getting language, muscial and physical skills (Japanese for sure)
- More exercises such as outdoor cycling
- Preparing for higher portfolio and position
- Strengthen report writing
- Strengthen finance /budgeting work
- Strengthen financial status
- Strengthen emotional

Unfinished Business

2010-12-04T20:45:00.002+08:00

ACTA 2 more modules

Japanese language

Cycling

Swimming

10 most 'influential' ppl

2010-12-04T20:27:00.002+08:00

BB
BC
(TBC)

10 most significant events 2010

2010-12-04T20:16:00.003+08:00

Feb 2010
CNY Day 1 coincided with Valentine's Day. Actual Valentine had no time for me. Went clubbing and DN joined us. Went to pray after temple

April 2010
Left e2i and joined ReCAAP

May 2010
Driving License

August 2010
Sth happened in Phuket

Lost contact with DN. I do hate DN hahaha

Started the training course

Dec 2010
Went Japan. Din get chance to see much but happy i had chance to breathe the Tokyo, Kobe & Kyoto air

Cycling hobby

BB and BC

2010-11-17T03:01:00.001+08:00

原来我们之间，我只要你快乐就满足了 :) 不是天长地久的缘，相处的时间不再衡量。只要多一天分享你的喜怒哀乐，我很愿意。断断续续的简讯，只要你记得我们，就足够了。

sleep is tough

2010-11-15T21:43:00.002+08:00

3 days woke at 4am and finding it hard to go back zzz. Likely zzz back at 6am and then about 8am will auto wake up despite being very tire

:(

i dun noe but first nite, found myself tearing

xxxxxxxxxxxx
he said the fundamental principle is I MUST BE HAPPY

But wat is happy? i dun noe. Well i do laugh n laugh merrily

:)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
he said sorry for being such an idiot..... i told him if his name is BO CHAP i m BO BIAN

secret passage

2010-11-09T14:08:00.002+08:00

novelty died so fast?
checked FB. we started msg since 7 Aug so it has been few mths. So a game remains as a game

haiz

jus feeling empty

no, there is no lov

but there is feeling? really ? i dun think so

jus from no to have to now no again

haiz haiz haiz

怎么了？

2010-11-02T15:15:00.001+08:00

is routine eating me up and thus my emotions trying to get myself new fantasy with depression?

So strange strange strange

If this is PMS it will be like 2 weeks long? gosh! i dun wanna that

when can i pick up good mood again? or at least try to look cheery n laugh loud m0re naturally????????

2010-11-01T19:35:00.002+08:00

Did i not tell myself that i shouldnt let myself go out of control in r'ship?

how can i trust?

what can i trust?

Why do i let myself sink in this r'ship?

And now when things cool down, it jus ate me up bits by bits

I can flirt ard and have many little romance n they r not eating into me

But u u u , the one i dun noe y i never let my guard on.... ..... now tell me holding hands is no more comfortable

Dun know wat u really want.... u wan a breakup and refuse to come out fr ur mouth? u let me relate to him.. the man who wanna divorce din wan to say it out

In mid of marriage prob n lodgin prob y do i let myself sinkin into yet another depression?

i have other TLC ard me but y do i still let myself affect by u u u

u u u

y

y i let myself believe once again in fairy tale n then bubble burst

maybe i should start counting my blessing that it lasted 2.5 yrs

speechless

2010-03-09T22:13:00.001+08:00

it is so easy for people to tell me 'i am sorry, i cant' and i have to accept it.

Give up!

Long time no C

2010-03-01T16:16:00.002+08:00

Been neglecting this blog!

GOSH

Bad mango

人日

2010-02-20T16:21:00.001+08:00

祝大家人日快乐。
可是谁在身旁？
可是谁在身旁都不对。。

双子座，好恐怖

CNY Vs Valentine's Day

2010-02-14T10:22:00.000+08:00

:( V Day is sadly forgotten

2010-02-03T22:02:00.001+08:00

it has been so long since i last blogged!

i guess i took the easy way out with FB comment instead haaaaaaa

foot pain now haiz

2009-10-27T23:36:00.000+08:00

y do i tear at this hr.....
unfair allegation!

Mgmt style, which is urs?

2009-07-03T13:50:00.002+08:00

Who say young mgmt will give an org more vibrancy and good changes?

It doesnt matter how young or old the mgmt team.

It is all within one character, emotions and fear.

How can a supervisor not checking facts with staff and then jus go ahead and write reprimanding email ?

Runnign away fr prob is no gd. And well u cannot run becos if u ask the staff not to pursue, the case is still pending. the onus will go to u.

There is no helicopter but only submarines ard

'think too much' is commonly abused

2009-06-09T10:52:00.002+08:00

To think or not to think?

Pure thinking w/o action also fruitless.

But not to think is better?

Really dun noe which is better off.

Everyone yearns for carefree life.

Sometimes, do we noe that if 'i choose a carefree attitude, the responsibility does not go off but shift to another person's shoulder?'

Live the day to its fullest is one great medicine. But i wonder if that is sufficient enough in this era.

This is this knot that i cannot untie yet. It is there n after several years of 'live one day pass one day' my subsconcious finally acknowledge that sometime must be done. Yet consciously i do not have the know how. So it is this hurdle that haunts me nite n nite.

Dun think too much.. tat will be word sprouted from others. Dun think? who think for me?

puke

2009-05-12T22:09:00.000+08:00

weak..........................

&*#!@*

virus infection

2009-05-12T22:08:00.000+08:00

tire.. n the medication jus drown me to long sleep

turning

2009-04-12T11:56:00.000+08:00

will there be a new turn that turns out to be good

when u cannot hang on anymore...

2009-04-02T23:14:00.001+08:00

Aching all over, tire tire tire!

the feeling is like grabbing the tail end of a rope n being too tire, i gradually release the grip and let my hand slip away..

C that tree or the window?

2009-03-21T15:28:00.001+08:00

I lived in Alabama on a half-acre lot blessed huge oak trees that were 40 feet in diameter. They were HUGE! The house was laid out such that every bedroom faced the backyard. Each bedroom had a large picture window. The view was breathtaking. I enjoyed just looking at the trees. In the fall I would identify a particular leaf that was falling and watched it for what seemed liked 5 minutes before it fell to earth.

One day I invited this married couple over to enjoy the view from the bedroom window. I took them into the bedroom and excitedly pointed to the trees out of the window and exclaimed, "just look"!

After about 20 seconds there was no comment from the couple. I however, noticed a big frown on the woman's face.

I said, "What's wrong". She was reluctant to reply.

I insisted and again said, "What's wrong?"

She relented and said, "Don't you see those fingerprints on the glass?"

I turned and looked and there were what seemed to be fifty or more fingerprints on the glass. I ran for the Windex to clean the glass. The lady "Oh, I didn't mean for you to clean it now."

The morale here is this. That lady never saw the trees. Even when I tried to point them out, She missed it! I didn't see the fingerprints. I was looking through the glass not at it.

When the fingerprints were pointed out to me, I saw them and removed them. The lady never saw the trees. She focused on the fingerprints and she never got passed them.

Life is much like that. There are things in life that are good and things that are bad. You choose which things you want to focus on. I focus on the trees.

What are you focusing on?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

William Lambert

Thank You

2009-03-21T15:02:00.002+08:00

For those who genuinely care for me at this stage, i say "thank u :)", for those who care for me but somehow over-interpret my current situation, i say "Thank you Very much, sorry that i have let u down cos i am still doing fine."

aiyo, 好无奈！I m shocked to learn that whatever reply given at this stage, will be interpreted differently. Ppl read too much into it?!? When i say 'i m ok, i m fine', it really stands.

So now i choose to stay quiet lo. Do what i have to do for myself.

People will face situation in life as long as one is breathing. I am doing what i need to do now. Why should someone think of it as 'very pathetic' and 'seriously in trouble'?

I blame on my limited language expressions. That's all i can push the blame. Else why would my replies got decipher as being 'bad shape'?

Luckily i realized that those who do that to me are the ones in some kind of 'sorrow'. From his email是, it shows the person is emotionally unstable. For instance, nagging on 'not having enough time' but still have all the time to flood others with junk mails n gossiping about others, complaining about 'busy at work' while during office hours'.

Did it occur to you that it is as sinful to complain about working as to not having a job? If you think that a NORMAL person must hold a job, then why are you complaining about your office, your staff & work?

Also, it will be injustice to TIME when you complain about 'not having enough time'. the time you used to complain r in fact TIME. Go read 'Paradox of Time' hee

Be kind and dun go too far stretched in creating an illusion of me now.

The fact is, i am looking for job; working hard on translation and language skills; keeping healthy; keeping ideal weight and waistline; eating healthier. I am enjoying the processes and progresses and appreciate every experience.

So look, if you dun hear from me, it means i am just keeping low profile now. Keeping low profile does not mean i am in 'bad shape'. i am just focusing on what i need to do now. But ur friendships i still hold dear (applicable to those that are creating this inconvenience to me).

Now i wonder with this blogging, will there be more mis-interpretation. Most importantly is not to guess that 'those' is referring to you, unless u noe u r doing it to me. 2ndly, dun take it that i m raged to the max with this entry. I am jus feeling perplexed. Yet it does not warrant my full energy into the incident. With this blogging, the nonsense will be 'shred away'

it takes all sort to make the world, tat's y:

我爱我的朋友门啊！yeah yeah, i love all friends!

i enjoy what i am doing before hitting into rat race again

The Work of Bryon Katie

2009-03-21T13:05:00.000+08:00

Suffering over Suffering

People suffer tremendously over the fact that they’re suffering, especially when the goal of the spiritual search is to end all suffering, then not suffering becomes just one more goal to fail at for the ego to suffer over. Resisting your suffering can cause more or just as much suffering as resisting whatever else you are resisting about life, which caused the suffering in the first place. Being upset that you are suffering tends to hold the initial suffering in place and extend it. Once you see this, there is the possibility of just allowing the suffering you are experiencing to be here—for now. If it is here, then let it be here, and that acceptance will provide an environment where the contraction you are feeling can begin to relax.

No one can suffer interminably; it’s too exhausting. You can only suffer so long before your consciousness expands again and you see things from a bigger perspective. Suffering is caused by seeing things from a very small perspective—the ego’s perspective. This small perspective makes you feel contracted, small, and powerless. You can only identify with this false perspective and the false self (the ego) so long before who you really are (essence) shines again and overshadows it. Often just out of sheer exhaustion, we drop back into essence (our true Self). What a relief to no longer be holding such a small perspective! It’s very tiring to be contracted, tense, and upset.

When you finally let go of the small perspective—the ego’s lie or limited story or belief—you relax into just being, and just being is inherently pleasant, relaxed, peaceful, accepting—mellow. The only thing that can cause you to contract and feel tense again is believing something else the egoic mind is telling you that doesn’t represent the whole truth about life or your situation. Have you noticed what negative stories the egoic mind tells you? The ego puts a negative spin on life, which stirs up negative feelings if you believe it. That’s the ego’s purpose, but we don’t have to buy its version of life.

The good news is that every time you contract, you can be sure you will expand! Suffering is not a problem because it isn’t forever—and it isn’t fatal! Of course, no one likes to suffer, but it does come and go, like everything in life. Suffering is a bit like the weather: Storms blow in and then dissipate. No matter how intensely you are suffering, it will run its course. Now, it is true that suffering is relatively unnecessary, that is, it’s possible to not suffer, or at least to not suffer so much, and that is what these spiritual teachings are about. And yet, very few people attain an existence that is entirely free of suffering. It is rare and, therefore, perhaps unrealistic to expect to be entirely free of suffering in this lifetime. How wonderful if you can reduce the amount that you suffer even a little! If you are able to do that, you can be sure that the amount you suffer will continue to decrease as you get better at ignoring the egoic mind and staying in the present moment.

This takes practice, like everything else. We practice listening to our egoic mind all the time, so it’s going to take practice to learn to not listen to it. When you feel impatient with your progress, remind yourself that that impatience comes from the ego. It creates the problem, and then suffers over it. Suffering over your suffering is just more ego, and all you have to do is just see that. And be gentle with yourself. It’s really hard being human, and if it were easy to wake up out of the ego and never suffer again, there would be many more people having that experience!

The funny thing is that as soon as you accept your suffering, and suffering over your suffering, you have taken a step back from the ego and dropped into essence, where the mistaken beliefs that caused your suffering can be seen through and healed. The more you are able to see that the beliefs that caused your suffering are untrue, the sooner you will be free of them. Suffering gives us an opportunity to see our conditioning, see its falseness, and become free of it. Suffering isn’t so bad! It is actually intended to set us free from the egoic mind, and eventually that is exactly what it does. Because it is unpleasant to suffer, we eventually question what we’re thinking, especially when spiritual teachings encourage us to do that.

We have the spiritual technologies and the spiritual understanding now to free ourselves from much suffering, but please don’t suffer over the fact that you’re still suffering sometimes! There is no hurry to become free. When suffering is no longer seen as a problem, then it can come and go, and whenever it shows up is an opportunity to see through any mistaken beliefs and negativity. Where’s the problem in that? Weather is supposed to happen, and so is contraction and expansion of consciousness, as long as we are human. Whether we suffer over that contraction or not is a matter of how much acceptance we bring to it when it is happening and how much compassion and tenderness we give ourselves for being human. The solution to suffering is acceptance, compassion, gentleness, and love for ourselves and others who are temporarily believing the ego’s negativity.

Mangojo is good

2009-03-19T23:35:00.002+08:00

Aiyo, abit bored and getting repetitive in answering ppl's msn, email, facebook etc....

I am ok lah. Not dead, not dying.

I m in good shape

Someone out there stop the nonsense. I dun noe how truly a friend you are. But there is sth amiss! I get smses fr others becos they said u mentioned abt me n i am ...... O pls. When did we really talk n how did you draw pic of me now?

Strange! it takes all sorts to make a world.

i shall pardon u. And the rest of u, tks for concern. I am ALRIGHT :)

我在哪里

2009-03-09T21:26:00.000+08:00

走到T 字口，躺下了是我的精神和躯壳

Fire squad during Interpretation lesson

2009-03-02T22:51:00.003+08:00

Doctorate level... the proud air we can feel. How her gentle and composed tone can kill you with crude insults straight onto one's face.

The two classmates must felt the heat and probably the impact as if big slap on their faces!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Learning is tough especially to do it almost instantly. Not more than 1 second to ponder; switch english and chinese vice versa. Well, even those with better and stronger language background have problem switching and finding the appropriate words and sentences.

10 more lessons and hope by end of it, we can interpret better n with more logic construction of sentences

;)

Creating positive vibrations

2009-03-01T23:18:00.002+08:00

Comprehended the book. I am in progress ..
worksheets!

hooray

Time to manifest

written on my worksheets

Must be brave

2009-03-01T22:17:00.001+08:00

Mum is hospitalised.

I feel like crying

Stay strong n be stronger

Today matters

2009-02-22T10:20:00.002+08:00

John C. Maxwell

Assess your current progress-take stock of yourself and discover how to make your life a masterpiece every day

Prioritize your agenda-learn how to decide every day what's important to you and then get it done

Stretch your creativity and thinking-generate new ideas every day to become a more valuable employee or boss

Stay the course-reinforce your important commitments every day

Manage your money-every day, instead of letting it manage you

Strengthen your faith-discover the four powerful tools faith will give you, every day

Improve and build relationships-connect with others every day with Maxwell's easy how-to's

Nurture your personal growth-find out how to make yourself more valuable every day, and enjoy the payoff tomorrow.

The money thingy i m still having alot of inertia..

Wat e Hell! JIA YOU!

There's a great time to begin a more successful life. It's called today.

Growth & Learning

2009-02-22T10:10:00.003+08:00

Mangojo,

It is always essential to grow in areas you are good at or feel you have got the talents.

It is even compelling to learn things that you are weak at and situation makes it more desirable to improve.

Despite not knowing what you are good at, you have known the many weaknesses. What goes around comes around. You have neglected your health for dozen of years. And you got the bad effect from it last year. It made you temporarily gave up a good career.

Determination has not failed you.

You were so frightened of doing even the slightest exercise. You have persisted hence after 5 months, an hour of slightly strained exercise is now deemed nothing to you. Your health has bounced back and getting better each day :)

Keep up the good work. Do NOT slag. You knew and shall remember those darkest days your health suffered.

Regards,
Your white angel

She is such a nice lady

2009-02-21T00:13:00.003+08:00

Succumbed to hunger n the greed of having a BK Chicken burger,i headed straight to Clark Quay BK after school. 'Dash' may be a better word.

Not wanting a full meal, i ordered a BK chicken. When i was digging the coins, the counter lady gave me a pleasant surprise. She took a cup of plain water for me. I was so delighted.

Such service really comes from the heart. This little act touches me. It is not an 'out of obligation' act but can tell she is really caring.

Thank you,Mdm

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Having gastric flu since two days ago.

Today has been the worst. I love myself even more now that i have again used determination to curb the pain!!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
This class marks alot of rare talents or experts. They can translate anything on the spot almost perfectly.

It took me 2 days to finish 25 questions. I think i only got one perfectly correct.

Since uni i have not been vocal in class (it was such a contradiction in poly time). Today marked a courageous lesson in my life. Haaaaaaaaa... knowing my translation was not exactly good, i volunteered to answer 2 questions when the class fell silence. Despite the total correction from teacher,i felt great and patted own shoulder. The desire to improve is growing stronger. Next year by this time, i will be a better translator :)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Yes, i still think an new aged culture is to be beaten.
Why do people just want to learn things that they already knew? And then when they are able to do the exam well, they go overjoyed?
Shouldnt we work on our weakness as well?

Fly you kite once again if you say only those with strong language background are suitable for the course. Btw, Diploma is simply a warm up

;) Call me arrogant or stupid. But i m hanging there. I love languages i love grammar, i love the art of translation, i love to improve myself every day!!!

sizzling iron

2009-02-19T15:04:00.001+08:00

Iron lady is feeling 'tire' today. Fainted heart is seemed.

She needs some warmth; hugs and encouragement. But is not getting any. Because once an iron lady, forever an iron lady

then an email came:

The strongest single factor in prosperity consciousness is self-esteem: believing you can do it, believing you deserve it, believing you will get it.

2009-02-13T15:05:00.002+08:00

Present is a gift
I would have done better waking up to the alarm set this early morning.

Failing so, it meant a lost of 3 hours to complete tasks that are lining up.

Fixing things altogether was tough; laundry, cooking, clearing table, studying.

Managed to complete the grammar book after long delay. In a sense it took me 'a year' to do so. At least it is complete, likely with 80% attained.

Succumbing to laziness, workout period will be shortened to 30min slow stepper.

330pm workout
4pm rest
4-5pm read on translation
5-6pm preparing to go school
6pm set off

Requires some discipline to clear bills.

Mirror Reflections.. thank you

Interactions with a few people around me disclosed my past 'shame'.
Trapped in gossips, complaining of work and life, complaining the lack of time but somehow fast to seize oppt to complain. So end up meeting the wrong things and people

found these two websites
http://acomplaintfreeworld.org/howitworks.html (saw the CDs, maybe should get a copy fr libary
http://howtolivehappily.net/

Being in the not-so-comfort zone, i seek to create and attract +ve energies. M tired and shameful of the past. And i open my arms to welcome more +ve people, +ve learning, +ve experiences, +ve thinking and alot of self confidence

coffee turns cold

2009-02-07T03:41:00.002+08:00

coffee turned cold. Another cup of coffee flows into the coffee cup. But it is getting cold.. despite efforts to keep warm.. the cup warmer faulty?

pointless to do sth when one do not feel like it.

Learn to be a team player and give constructive suggestion

2009-01-23T16:37:00.002+08:00

proceeding w new year, are we turning more mature rather than just grow up?

Even proceeding to next life cycle, are we sure we have developed thus more mature in thinking, dealing with people and handling matters?

Certain way of reacting has to be changed, no matter how unwilling you are.

The earth rotate n even if u stood still there, the earth will still rotate.

Self reflection

Sad to see breathing creatures living by seconds and laying expectation that others must serve oneself.

The earth n other people dun owe us anything.

Penning this facing a vast blue sky
Ya, dropping the trivial matter. I dun wan to soak in this issue n turn myself like a clown.

Presenting oneself

2009-01-23T15:09:00.002+08:00

Had a nite chat on msn with a friend whom we dun really do alot of face-to-face chat but once we are in the msn, i tot we hit it off quite well.

Talking about work and personal development; grooming and image projection

After working for so many years, we are still giving people the wrong notion that we r fresh graduates.

While we cheer on or youthful look, we gradually realise there must be something that we still 'lack'.

Treated as fresh graduates is no fun. That erodes our experiences, capabilities and even authority.

What can be so wrong...

Recently i have more time on hand to reflect on own career, choices of friends, time management and many things. read alot and talk to many people.

For years i m getting more conscious of my child-like intonation and use of words. That really dun allow me to go too far. That is why i tend to lose out during negotiations. How much more efforts required to convince the higher management of my choices and strategies. Over tiring and full of frustation.

Then the clothins that i have been putting on. Back in tat workplace, everyone or at least alot of us do not really bother with how we dress. We are like in a little playground of ourselves. We tried to act hip and wear fancy clothes. Especially most of our times spent working. So it is naturally that we wan to feel at ease with casual n often inappropriate dressing. Not to add in that the revised n revised uniforms added salt to our wounds.

How you walk, gesture, talk and wear really make u win half a battle. Almost everyone noe this theory but how many practice it?

View on branded clothes:
met up with an ex colleague, he told me his clothes all must at least be Mark & Spencer. To show he is up there, to show himself being presentable.

Branded clothes are often with refined textures and cuttings. That i wont dispute.

But how one carry him/herself carry more weight.

The fact is the way he dress, the choice of design, mix & match does not give justice to the monies he spent.
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My view:

Ultimately, i rang the importance:
No. 1 importance: Poise & presentation
No. 2 importance: hair
No. 3 importance: clothes that fit your body contour, colour that match, material that fit the occasion
No. 4 importance: appropriate accessories

Gonna work very hard on this

High maintenance women

2009-01-23T14:37:00.002+08:00

A senior friend related to me this... men dun like high maintenance women.

Both 'material' and 'emotional'

Men cant stand woman that spend alot of time on physical eg. makeup , shopping. Nor men cant stand those who need alot of attentions-almost every minute that men cant breathe

Forget about the discussion on how men think or like.

As a woman, which type r u?

Before i reflect on myself, like to talk about some women in my social life.

I have seen women who will go 'gaga' simply a porsche *sorry hor i dun even noe how to spell* passed by. 'wow' they shouted. N ppl around looked at them.. **sweat sweat

I have still some women that have super high demand on 'emotional' maintenance. It is very common to hear the aftermath.. that the guy ran away, off the phone, asked to breakup etc

i wonder if there are women who r both high maintenance in term of materials n emotions.

I haev and always a high maintenace in emotions.

Give me monies but dun give me the love i hope to, u dun love me at all.
Give me a hug n look right into my eyes, even if we are jus eating a cheap meal, i melted n promise to love u forever

When i m emotionally down, i hope my guy will give me the 100% concentration. May not be able to be right beside me but.. he made me noe he is tinking of me every minute

but that is too emotionally drained on the male..

Comparatively, i tink i m much better now.. up abit on material maintenance and down alot on emotional reliance. Will still be bothering n upset over 'below expected' concern. Feeling void n shallow on the r'ship when that part is not satisfied. But i m learning to handle n did not break the occasions as often as before.

In conversation with a person who worked and attained certain level of success

2009-01-21T17:30:00.002+08:00

it is time to get serious and check out on 'extraordinary' people whom have battled life obstacles and achieved much.

Tat is what often being brought up.. if u wan to noe success u need to check out how others do. This is not too hard , jus look around..

* recently watched 'trading spouses' in the afternoon. One episode had a rich & educated wife traded with another 'common' woman. The lst one made some wonder to the son of the 'common' family. She brought him to c a surgeon after him telling her that he is aspired to be one. He managed to get face to face to a surgeon n posted questions in mind. The questions he posed were so simple yet important for starter.. Kudos!

It took months and alot of courages and probably some kind of scheme n managed to invite this person for a dinner.

Equipped with a fast beating heart and list of questions in mind, i hopped into the car.

Dinner was sumptous but at intervals i felt choking.. it was a direct n frank talk n probably alot of time is 'talk down' on me.. I tot my vision was blurred.. Nevertheless, courage is great enough to continue to listen n reflect as much as i can understand.

Blaming others and situations were common among the common ones. The ones who determine to success may suck for a short minute and then think of how to get thing back in control. Tis is just too common, can hear or read from books! but how many of us can control frustrations.

Frustratios come from expectations..

N posing expectations on others r so easy. That leads to our frustration and let ppl fool us ard..

Have we pose expectations on ourselves? Being organised and stay compose. We often tend to give good excuse 'that is not possible'. But when we unconsciously or purposely pose expectation on others, did we hear that loud as well?

Out of 10, 8 situations can be controlled if you plan ahead, organise and response strategically. For 2 that may be so unexpected, you can steer it from how determine you r.

This is really true. I have completely forgotten about it.. i used to do that.. i told myself no one or no situation should prohibit me fr getting my education. I wan to be a white collar n doing well n fine like others. I achieved amidst alot of probs. I was afraid of ppl afraid of conversations, but i went ahead and knock on every employment agency i reseached just for interview to make mysefl comfortable with people n tense conversation.

These two years were terrible. I feel into trap of over-thinking. Many things i stopped myself even before putting out first step.. 'i cant', 'i afraid'

i got relationship and work problems and still allowed myself to be soak in others' similar problems. N got myself sink deeper n deeper into depression.

I wasted my time on ppl who r too carefree (probably they already chosen this path) n lead me blindly day in day out.

No i dun blame others. I DUN WAN to blame others

No i dun wan to suck.

I wan to plan ahead. it is so tough. I still have many questions on how to do this n that, ppl ard me cant help or refuse to help me.

Nevermind, 'i m afraid and frightened... wat the hell, just do it', 'whatever you say or do to me, i am still a worthwhile person'

If i dun wan my life, who will want? it's time to be responsible n fair to myself

wa, pierce through heart

2009-01-12T12:47:00.000+08:00

黑夜滲透了思念
偷不走微光閃現的千種畫面

我背著傷痛離開
孤單拖著記憶
支離破碎

原以為不會改變

眼淚在臉頰上乾枯失去知覺

我的心掙脫了愛
跟隨著夕陽埋進了海洋

為什麼相愛的人卻又為愛而紛爭
現實的翅膀擾亂了原本幸福的氣氛

我有我的過錯我有我的疑惑藏在面對面的折磨背後
為什麼讓愛躲進烏雲密佈的天空隨著風漂流在外一點一點的散落
慢慢遠離的夢漸漸冷卻冰封

心痛當初相遇的心動

风停了

2009-01-10T23:16:00.001+08:00

爱却变成给了压力

是我错了

keke wat e fish?! e day e gathering stood still

2009-01-09T12:52:00.003+08:00

Recently two pax from one of the ex companies wanna to have a gathering.

One of them smsed me that 'since you r so free, you do the coordinating'

*Raise eyebrows.. did i say i wanna have the gathering in the first place? *roll eyes.

Emailed both and then added in one more ex colleage via facebook email.

Told them they are what i have. N apparently they are linked up too. If really needed, i can help with getting contact of two others through one of the friend's friend. But we shoud put in effort together since they are the one who sparkle idea of meeting up.

The gracious lady whom i 'implicated' replied she can get the rest.

Hence we progressed to decide on date n venue.

That original two did not reply.

After sometime, e one who smsed me earlier, let's call him B, wrote back.

* Raise eyebrows!

He wrote aloud it will be more meaningful if it is set toward end of this month which is his bday. N then suggested that we do it at someone place to cut cost. But must note that not at his place

Wah! did i feel the earth shake abit?

Following day, he nudged me on msn (pls note that i have informed him many times that for first msn, do not nudge, it jus so crude but he still do that). N question me how the progress

*hammer on hand alrdy

So i wrote back in the email chain that i have not heard of any reply on date n venue and since B is so keen on his bday bash, we shall await for his bday invitation.

He is soooo panicky n said he can wait lah

Wahahahahah

*hammer crushes the shell?!

At this stage, i m not keen to pursue further. And gave them the two contacts i promised earlier to find for them.

The other guy, T, wrote back n seconded idea of doing it at someone hse n then pointed at that gracious lady. Then he said do not reveal HP number on internet cos may be....... n then suggest to get that two involve in thinkinng of the venue n date but disregarded he now alrdy have their number to contact.

Final stage, i m dropping out of this whole nonsence.

It is so obvious both want conveniences out of others. Want me to coordinate, wan gracious lady to spare her house. N if it is so bad as not to reveal HP on email. I think we should not state the date n time of our gathering. Wat if ppl hack our email n plan to rob us at that time and spot? also it could extend to possibility of not sms becos sms is not 100% foolproof. So there is so many WAT IF * can feel the pierce of my sword or not heehee

Chatted with one of my friends on this case. He also understand where i came from. A gathering is a gathering, a bday celebration is a bday celebration. After not meeting for 10 over years, we would not know how the response like and how we will be reacting to one another. And since B made himself clearly that it is to be held on his bday week, we will have to politically correct to treat or get him a cake rite? But there are other factors. .. we may need to find out who else in the group having bday ard the corner. If not, it is so unforgiving rite? And would ppl really keen to chop money to buy him cake or a treat? it is not about the costs but rather necessary? To him it is meaningful but to one who have not meet him for 10 yrs, does that make sense? Doing it at someone house mean cutting cost for you. Even if potluck, it will still require the host to play more parts. Maybe some will not mind. But they are the one who suggested and too quick to exclude themselve from extending their house. That is really overboard.

O no, who these ppl really r?

Let's keep strictly to facebook pal (o ya, do not ever email again, WATCHOUT!)

this life is not meant for myself. There are responsibilites towards others.. time n time, again and again, there are miracles in life i must achieve

2008-12-29T23:04:00.002+08:00

I used to think that I could not go on
And life was nothing but an awful song

But now I know the meaning of true love I'm leaning on the everlasting arms - tat's me

If I can see it, then I can do it

If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky

I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away

I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door

See I was on the verge of breaking down
Sometimes silence can seem so loud

There are miracles in life I must achieve

I know it starts inside of me,

ohIf I can see it, then I can be it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

Hey, cuz I believe in me, oh If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there's nothign to it

Hey, if I just spread my wingsI can flyI can flyI can fly, heyIf I just spread my wingsI can flyFly-eye-eye

i did it before and will do it again.. reach out that open door n get chance to get out of the dung

心灵自由

2008-12-26T12:36:00.002+08:00

我为自己许下诺言。。我不再为那样的事，庸人自扰。

给自己呼吸时间吧。。

它绊着我十多年，年年害怕犹豫。它是时候放开我的手了

会有它事让我过那一秒更踏实

微笑微笑

一生不仅仅活在那一秒

2008-12-26T10:21:00.002+08:00

A great morning to wake up to...

Dear really helped to ring me so i can wake up early n not feel lousy.

A company rang up. Despite i am still unclear of what i want n life purpose to start with. It was great to receive the phone.

Now listening to self help audio.

Yes! i feel great now. Cos i have done some miracles to my life n body.. raised efforts to take responsibility for myself. Cloud nine i create the nice feel, lessen pain.

The next step is to reduce the miserable feel n depression n fear i get every now n then. N not to be soaked in other ppl foul mood. I cannot control other ppl. They can continue to whine but i m not goin to. I cant control u but i can control myself

I create psychological safety net so that regardless of what happen, i will not be worrying and fearful.

Still have freedom to choose own attitude. Courage to focus on things i can do n i can control. Increase chance to understand n achieve my goal n success in my own way.

It's yr end but not end of life. E sailing continues... fighter fights :)

Reflecting 2008 - Stocktaking

2008-12-25T15:32:00.003+08:00

Thank You 2008 and Welcome 2009

Thank you , i really thank for the year. There are UPs and downs. But i am still surviving :)

It was a drastic n very bold move to quit n rest at home. There were few objectives i wanna to achieve:
1. Nurse back health n stablised the very low red blood cell count
2. Get back my figure. i mean at least slim down abit. The tummy was very embarrsing
3. Read more
4. Gain better control on emotions n let go past n embrase the future. Especially in relationship. How to better handle situation

The results were pleasing

1a. Giddy spells were pretty minimised. Only some occasions but i can handle it better.
1b. Decade curse of menses pain and cramps were reduced to minimal. The effect for past two months were plain tire. But no cramps. *Relief. Keep it up!!!
2a. Reduced tummy though stil probing. But not so embarrasing. Thighs reduced by some 0.0x inches. It is v small reduction but it is still results. I managed to squeeze back into some pants. Cut cost!!
2b. Can dance better .. body more flexible
2c. Able to continuously exercise for 30min and still looking great. it was terrible 3 mths ago
3. Yeah read alot alot. Confession- many books i read selectively on few sections. Gemini is so 'hopping' lol. N thanks to NLB, able to borrow twice # of book and audio books. N the decision to renew premium membership allow me to hear books. Great!
4. Yeah, those self help books and audio books were helpful. Alot of reading and self reflection and confession really let me realise alot of things about Life, Living & R'ship managment. I hope i can really improve alot. And thanks BC for his patience. Occasionally i still unconsciously slip back into depression and emotional blackmail. Somehow despite being irritated, you have help me along the way. :)

Now, 2009 challenge is how i can get back to workforce. Earn decent income and then continue to stay n live healthy

Life, i love u.
Hope, i believe in u
Me, i will learn to have more faith in u :)

进化论

2008-12-14T12:14:00.003+08:00

今天起身，我感到好寂寞。。
不是因为自个而寂寞

心理空虚不是有人有声驱赶地走的。。。

为什么我不能像他人一样，浸泡在吵闹喧哗里而狂喜，自个觉得生命以很精彩
我有尝试，将近半年

可是我的空虚好像无底洞

追求精神和心灵上的饱暖真的一直缠住我一生

好像一直在寻求一次又一次的思路进化

缺乏新知识和个人提升让我觉得生命没了呼吸。。我好想停停脚步，每天做个布娃娃，像她们，无边无尽的只想着玩乐打扮吃喝

可是那把声音逼迫急速呼唤着我行动了

我的人生，我的生存意义是什么？

寻找进化更新生命的意义。它只属于自己，没人能了解。。每个人是独一无二的

希望您的已找到或又一次进化了

爱情长篇 ‘小说’

2008-12-13T00:48:00.003+08:00

（1）什么样的爱才叫爱
女人总把自己的时间交给她的男人
男人往往。。也许毫不经意的。。把时间分割

女人就这样误会/认定自己乏味让男人注重朋友过于自己

男人莫不着头
女人暗地伤心

男人觉得女人无理取闹
女人叹气男人不了解她的伤心

e getaway

2008-12-08T02:17:00.004+08:00

I love the mountains, I love the clear blue skies ...
I love big bridges ...
I love when great whites fly ...
I love the whole world ...

Boom-de-ah-da, Boom-de-ah-da, Boom-de-ah-da, Boom-de-ah-da!

my version:
i love the escalator, i love the lift

i hate the stairscase, i hate the slope

i hate the sea, i hate the wave, i hate ferry, i m not a sea lover

2008-11-30T17:18:00.000+08:00

disgusting

tat Saturday at airport in april

2008-11-25T22:56:00.002+08:00

你只是静静陪了我一个午后

在我的心里仿佛你停了好久

一点点探索一点点感动

你竟然有我渴求已久的温柔

你问我是否还有感情路要走
那是我自己都怕提起的伤痛

不想说太多不要人问候
不想在这个时侯对你细说

只想有一段路是你陪着我走

不谈论关于我的过去和以后

挥霍寂寞直到我们的心又软弱

只想有一段路是我陪着你走

就算为一个一定会消失的梦

2008-11-25T22:46:00.000+08:00

你眼睛会笑
弯成一条桥终点却是我永远到不了

感觉你来到是风的呼啸
思念像苦药竟如此难熬每分每秒

我找不到我到不了你所谓的将来的美好

我什麽都不要知不知道若你懂我这一秒
我想看到我在寻找那所谓的爱情的美好

我紧紧的依靠紧谨守牢不敢漏掉一丝一毫

愿你看到

叉烧与烧肉拼盘

2008-11-25T22:33:00.002+08:00

never can get along well. Even talking

but they r often put together in the same plate.

then when u mix them up the taste is great........

in this case, it was for maybe 2-3 yrs only.

现在连客套话都可以那么的火拼

the plate is like our lives. Guess we wont get along anyway but are bundled together.. somehow..

we wont drop contact but it will be like that.. last time cant see eye to eye now also cant, the future also will be the same.

Retiree life preview

2008-11-25T16:57:00.002+08:00

Today, i dropped all sort of burden and tried to enjoy my retirement day.

Despite waking up at 3am and having difficulty back to sleep, i think i enjoy the day quite well.

Did my routine workout by 11am. Went to library to return books and had BK for lunch. Satisfied my craving *yeah i am quite a junk food supporter.

Read a few pages while chewing on BK chicken ;)

Then went to do abit of groceries marketing.

Enjoying the slow walk and browsing, and soaking into Xmas mood.

Released tension and the many 'wat if', i enjoy the day.

Only got spolit when i realised i missed my credit card payment date again! Damn gonna waste $90 for nothing. Wrote in to ask for wavier. But i am such frequent requester so not sure if it can be sucessful.. My fault wat e fuck i m doing!!!!!!!!!! Gonna ask for auto deduct liao

haiz

okok i try to get back the relax mood or life will go wrong wrong wrong again.......

2008-11-24T22:15:00.000+08:00

天冷你就回来别在风中徘徊

Living in my own world

2008-11-21T10:09:00.003+08:00

Totally shield away fr storm outside.

It is scarey and totally insecure.

Maybe should say it WAS.

Now i just want to enjoy this little short period of serenity. Admit this is the down and out period. And enjoy it afterwhich will be totally different war zone.

Relax relax relax.. hear no gossip of mine, hear no criticisim of mine, hear no misperception on me..

Chosen it n will just swift through this period.

As usual, it's a test of own determination and decisiveness

他人的有心或无意指点，蔓延的流言，我怎能轻易忘了自己设下的目标而沉浸在自怜的漩涡？
人生太在乎别人的指责，成功就会远离我。。。
Now i truely noe wat is meant by FOCUS

gemini, gemini... focus focus focus.. trash the devil out of you

e nite scene...

2008-11-20T09:33:00.002+08:00

It is pretty common amongst HDB dwellers to complain of 'marble dropping' and 'furniture dragging' noises in middle of nite. Some even have very spooky answers. It might apply to my unit since mine is the highest for corner units!

However i have learnt to ignore the unexplainable part.

It is the nite scenes by neighbours that made my nerves unsettled.

Recently there are often loud bangs and quarrels. Then last nite at 1 or 2am, was awoken in shock with plates rumbling! Well, i guess is the one immediately below my unit. Probably the dog or just the parents. The parents are as equally noisy as their kids during day time. One more habit of theirs is to bang and lock the gate extremely hard. Poor door and gate...

This is nerve wreaking. That partly made me give up resting and recuperating. I cant do that in the day time and at night! So guess it be better off to go back to workforce. At least for past 3.5yrs in Serangoon, i din hear or aware of this phenomenon. Home was purely like hotel for me to bathe n sleep say fr 3am to 8.30am.

Now i hope to get back a job that works endlessly into the day, nite and even weekends. Cos many things have already sort of turned meaningless.

孤星

2008-11-19T22:15:00.002+08:00

我真的是一个不适合谈恋爱的人。

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昔日我特有的魅力没有了

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人生一遍又一遍的苦涩，是我无法逃离的。
在又一个无人能谅解的情况下，我也只能孤独咬紧牙根慢慢的爬上来。
真的没有气谁。生活是自己的，命运也只有自己可以试图改变

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how do i get progress in life?

2008-11-17T18:34:00.004+08:00

We live for a purpose. That is what usually a succesful person will say. With a purpose, there will be meaning and efforts are deemed effortless.

I used to be pretty hard on myself. At least that's what i thought it was.

Personal growth, i strive to get educational certificates. Every pass and graduation make me feel fulfilled and will stronger. Cos i was able to exceed own limitation and broke the curse or rather the bad trend in my family tree (both parents' sides). Under almost impossible climates, i got the fundamental certificates. And was happy and really glad. That to some it seemed so trivial and thought i was weird. Everyone has different set(s) of obstacles to overcome. I am destined to go through the unusual path in order to achieve something which seemed so naturally to possess.

Looking back and into current, have made a serious mistake in career move. Amist all the encouragaement to leave a hell workplace, i forgot something most important. This weirdo works on anything merely because of passion. Yeah, with passion, obstacles can be overcome w/o pain. So now i find myself drifting because i cant find back the passion. It is almost impossible, but true, that i want to work on something that at the same time benefit people at large. That is because, when i was at the brim of life, nobody extended help (but i do appreciate what the church has done for my whole family. The Church handed us some monthly $ so that i was not as taxing to provide for entire family expenses)

So, now what can i do to progress in career? it is not only stagnant but almost put to a stop cos of stupid health issue. But i do not want it to be an end. I cannot afford. And yeah i m hungry for alot more. Because i strived very hard and got what i had, i want to prove to myself that i can do better despite limited IQ and capability. I need to show a good example for my younger brother.

How do i break the current barrier and progress..

Love / Relationship is the worst part of my life. The past showed i was such a failure. This current one i am not sure how to make it progress. Thanks to say that currently there is trust and alot of understanding. However there must be more efforts or how can a relationship substain and even progress? W/o new progress, alot of unhappy things will happen. That is why we see couple of many years eventually break up even before marriage. Married couples are just together for sake of status and some for children. With now things are fine, how can i bring this relationship to newer height?

Maybe i am really shallow. Definition of progress is so limit. But i need to try and strive harder. Progress is something no one can run away from it.

Ponder and ponder. Who and where can i learn to be smarter and view things more wholesome n intelligently?

tire tire

2008-11-16T11:28:00.001+08:00

super tire

flow is sooooooooo heavy...

though regular exercise n rather healthy diet have helped in reducing the bad pain for such period, i cant escape fr plain tire.. super tire.. no strength. But jus simply cant sleep longer.

Counting the days............................................................................

小雨点的心事

2008-11-16T11:19:00.001+08:00

我泡了一杯红茶
对着一块咬了一口的饼干说话

寂寞像一棵爬墙树慢慢爬上心头
偷偷搬到我家来住

我买了一束玫瑰花
对着每一朵花说出心中的话

寂寞像一本厚厚的书
重重压在心头

默默在梦里抱着枕头哭

这世界真真假假
是不是每个人都披着面纱
是不是每个人都互相害怕

看看窗外的高楼大厦哦···

不知道不知道有没有人像我一样哦···
不知道不知道真心话住在那一家不知道

2008-11-16T10:24:00.001+08:00

莫强求

blogging to some is meaningless......

2008-11-13T21:22:00.001+08:00

facebook seems to be more interesting than blogg?

personal choice bah

nothing.. jus notice such thingy..

n why ants wont die that easy?

:(

我能为你做些什么？

2008-11-13T21:14:00.003+08:00

爱你，是要给你的爱多点距离？

你消失的一百天我没了笑脸
怕别人看见
我敏感的神经线一点一点没知觉

泛红双眼不成眠
它跟着我一整夜
麻痹的脸特效药也无解

才发现我正搁浅在爱情过敏的季节
oh

过敏源是对你的思念

我想我才了解我正停格在爱情过敏的季节
季节没改变是想念没断线
我想我才发现感情尘蹒已布满了我的世界

oh过敏源是为你流的泪

我想我才了解就算用尽了力气也未必如愿

季节没改变是眼泪弄湿脸

季节一直变但我的心没有变

你消失的一百天我没了笑脸没知觉

风筝该飞多远？？？

2008-11-13T21:01:00.002+08:00

明明白白，以针见血

你我的故事其实在每个角落循环。。所以每个哀痛不是唯独你的。。

http://lz.book.sohu.com/chapter.php?id=8483&volume=1&chapter=15

过去的过去，
现在，怎么办？
该让空间阔一点？怎么样的爱，才能让你不休克？

2008-11-07T09:17:00.002+08:00

how come i get to wake up again?

what make two can communicate well?

character differences how?

time can kill peace

Dun wan the past..

2008-11-03T20:53:00.002+08:00

y when i told u i m not keen to bring up the past n u still tag me in?

Everybody have own thinking. To u may be weird but it not really up to u..

so as usual, now the past comes haunting me, i have to sell my smile.

haiz

these yrs i been tryin to forget everything in the past n to gradually forget how family n relatives brought pain to me..... then u must dig out the days...

damn

u dun understand u wont understand n i dun expect u to understand. But shouldnt u respect others? dun start thinking u r great n above n u r ritge in everything.. tat not gd for ur life, sad to say

If life can be restart.. life can be ended actually

2008-10-31T23:22:00.002+08:00

when did i start losing my fighting spirit and let illnesses n strange pain overcome me?

Secondary time - super bad IBS and non stop menses.. i fought and win
Part time Poly - super super bad IBS, piled up stress from working and studying. suspected stomach cancer.. i fought single handedly
PA time - no day no nite work.. sick eveyr other week.. my fighting spirit embraces me and continue to score high points on every part of the career
Separating period- lose ability to sleep. Deep depression... i walked out of it aft 2 yrs.

Now - chronic fatigue jus overwhelmed me. Zero confident stopped every thing i wann to do and achieve..

M i living for too long? tat y i lose my life purpose

Should i attempt to lose it for once n maybe rekindled life n fighting spirit?

very breatheless now i dun noe y...

:(

是我。。。

2008-10-31T13:57:00.001+08:00

别说对不起

是我自己不相信自己

没有把握留住‘天长地久’

Backfire?

2008-10-31T13:38:00.002+08:00

Gradually i come to term that i m the type that will pressurised own self to the max on many things.

Maybe i cant take failure. Likely i jus too sick of failing again and again in many areas.

One big influence was him. He used to put alot of expectations on me in many tings. if i cant do it and really many times i couldn't i am termed as 'useless'. So i simply cant take failure.

So today the pressure is very huge though it is not sth too big. But eversince then, my confidence level dropped to lowest. A simple thing i find it too hard to pick up.

So i tried to play it down with alot of negative words or even made it believe i dun care. It is to protect myself towards unforgiving myself should thing do not go rite.

e more i live, the more i dread of waking up. The more i dread of breathing... when everything of me is so WRONG!!!!!!!

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Not a prostitute. I dun really like any m an to jus touch me be it my hands or shoulder. Felt disgusted.

Mindset change.. last time i was abit wayward (not as much though) becos i wan to revenge n hate my hubby for wat he did.

Now i m having a normal r'ship. N i hope the rest r really truthful friendship

Yeah, friendship pls.......

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a story tat haunted me for 6 mths ...................

她常常故作冰清玉洁
不让任何人轻微碰动
那晚她见到他，却往他怀里靠
她心动了

其实他们好配。。。对不起
。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

爱上了
越来越爱
。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。
害怕梦会醒
。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

giantic acne

2008-10-27T23:13:00.001+08:00

Not exactly termed as acne .. but i dun noe wat e hack the term is called n spell.. doc said i forgot.

Pain pain

scare scare

scar scar?

:(:(:(

a v old song.. can only find lyrics :(

2008-10-22T21:20:00.000+08:00

如果愛是這麼簡單

作詞：李子恆　作曲：李子恆　編曲：屠穎&李士先　演唱：高淑津

是不是這樣就算愛上你　要不要說聲我愛你會不會我太隱藏自己　讓好多日子就這麼過去該不該就此放心去戀愛　其實你對我也不壞好不好讓你一樣明白　我心中早己有了愛的感覺認識你再愛上你　就像一場遊戲如果停止這遊戲　它是悲還是喜為何愛情來的如此容易　歐....如果愛是這麼簡單　為何心中有個疑難總是害怕愛情不會有永遠　歐...如果愛是這麼簡單　為何懂你越來越難總是聽不見你心中的希望

Such a long time since here..

2008-10-22T18:39:00.002+08:00

not that i have nothing to input. It all in my mind ..

maybe i should start doign what writers usually do.. record down thoughts using voice recorder then pen them down..

Recently quite irritated by some people. Maybe bcos i have more time on hand.. so more interaction?

Actually with more time on hand does not mean i wan to waste my time on errands others wan me to help. Selectively ok but not all. The meaning of not working is different in everyone's dictionary. if u think i m not working now mean totally useless n idling that is ur biz. U can do that also n live up to ur expectation lo.

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Due to economic condition, those who have jobs majority will clinch on tightly (majority only cos minority still idling in office and abusing communication tools). Then u hear more n more people unhappy with their job workload and bosses. Bosses who are not up to standard now tend to throw more weights becos they know the subordinates need the job.

But they have forgotten that people on top will watch them also. When economy turns well, we shall see who will have the last laugh

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Office politics is everywhr.

Nobody like it. N the more nobody wan to be a victim.

Colleagues can never be real gd friend, that we ought to remember always.

With same position, you need to vie credit and performance. In different department you will still need to think of own department interest.

But human r still human. Alot of times we noe but we choose to belive in miracle. So when hurt, whose fault har?

又是老掉牙的话题了

2008-10-22T18:11:00.002+08:00

被遗弃的女人因为寂寞而‘随地’谈起恋爱。

叹气！六个月了，还是听到雨点滴嗒滴嗒

如果因为寂寞而爱，那其实会更寂寞的！

老友，你没经历过，想必很难理解的。我还真不要你体验这样的悲剧啊！

经历了风风雨雨，是无法像单纯的丫头去爱；只因寂寞，要呵护和炫耀拥有爱情。

爱情有太多的代价。付出是双方必须给的。

失败后能不能站起来也是后患无穷的。。。

被困在爱的枷锁里多年，要再爱其实需要勇气

一个人孤寂却不寂寞的！当真！怎么比？自由是自己的嘛。

来得很不经意，我也措手不及。

是宿命，是冥冥中被安排腻补过去的残缺。。没人知。。

路还远
微笑会继续
哭泣会继续
寂寞会继续（爱也可让人寂寞的啊！）
路一步一步的走

世界那么大，总有片刻爱恋，总有容我处

to those of us who still believe

2008-10-15T22:45:00.000+08:00

其实他做的坏事我们都懂
没有什么不同
眼光闪烁暧昧流动
闭上眼当作听说
其实别人的招数我们都懂
没有什么不同
故作软弱撒娇害羞
只是有一点别扭

傻瓜也许单纯地懂
爱得没那么做作
爱上了我不保留

傻瓜我们都一样
被爱情伤了又伤
相信这个他不一样
却又再一次受伤

傻瓜我们都一样
受了伤却不投降
相信付出会有代价
代价只是一句傻瓜

傻瓜我们都一样
受了伤却不投降

Pain Pain

2008-10-15T18:48:00.002+08:00

Ytd evening, i had a very bad LS experience again. Got to stop at one of the MRT station...

Used to have such occasions many times.

Like i say again n again, m really lucky to be able to survive to today n even longer heehee.

Always have alot of prob esp stomach (since last time specialist said i may have stomach cancer! geez).

Too much prob until ex hubby just ignore me (haha, it is liek that de mah, 司空见惯）Only my own family dun really noe cause i dun really wan to tell them. They know only alittle. Actually to tell them is also useless. Only add to their worry of how to get money.

so i also wan to stop telling 'u' or else it will be a history repeating itself again.

Nevermind, i wan to fight it out myself. Like i used to do. Now may need more efforts since age is catching up.

Alot of things though fate may still unfold (like my failed marriage), there must be some efforts to walk out or overcome matters de. If i have never force myself to study n work, will there be today? or everyday we have to think of how to get money?

This period, i made 'mistake' after 'mistake'. I need to turn ard situation... Guess there is no luxury of really rest full time for a long period le...

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Voices in my head?

Dun noe izzit i have been alone for too long.. n not been talking much since left workforce.

Last nite i was fallin asleep n suddenly woke up..... tot i heard my name being called.

Worry of health, career, money and not having enough knowledge could have done damages to me? Hope i wont get mentally disorder

2008-10-15T18:46:00.001+08:00

It's been some time since any update done here.

Do have alot to pen down. But whenever i wanna to really sit down n type, i kind of forgot :P

Great show with great companion

2008-09-28T14:33:00.003+08:00

It has not been easy for me to get ppl to watch the type of movie i like... long, slow unfolding story with alot of twists n alot of academic air in it.

Youth w/o Youth is a movie that can trigger craze in me to attempt to understand it deeper by reflashing many of the scenes, the dialogues, read on reviews & author & his other works and to spend big bomb on getting the book to read again to fully understand the ending. I jus need to put a perfect ending to it!

The Thursday's afternoon in picture house, seated with so few people ard. Serenity, lazy Thursday with a plot half known to me.. n great companion that shared my curousity and put up with my 1001 questions.

That Thursday marked 25 Sept 2008

Cheers

Panick! Restarting......

2008-09-26T10:25:00.002+08:00

A letter to u...

We have not known too long so u wont understand what happen..

N like others, u also think that i quitted my job cos i cannot take my boss stupidity

How to explain to u?

NO NO NO

Ppl who worked with me know me well. I have went through alot of hardship and challenges at work and even life. Nothing was plain sailing for me.

But i never gave up entirely.

My fighting spirit was always high.

this time i panicked.

It is my health. Ppl like you who are healthy wont understand.

I panick n panick even more.

It is ok if bosses give hell. Cos no brainer like her cannot do damage to me. It is ok if Director's demand is high and can be sarcastic.

It is NOT okay when my mind cannot work. The tremendous drop of blood cell count reduce my ability in concentratio and thinking. Did i not share with you that at one seminar, i simply turn blank?

Mum's has such giddy symptom when she was 30s. there will be days she cannot even get up.

I did not and have not been thinking i will suffer that too. But after several times esp. a simple 2 stop MRT ride can really wipe my energy off, i m scare n worry.

Ppl who know me know that even up to today i m the sole breadwinner at home. I cannot afford to be like my mum. Nobody can support me.

It is a painful struggle for me to leave workforce and not work for another who' know how many months.

Am alrady getting tire of answreing ppls' qn on why quit, so jia lat meh etc. Dun take me as a joke. It not fun

If really there is a need, i ought to give up everyting. And come back again whne i m up there again. Some human r dangerous. they onlybe attractd to u when u r there. when u r down, they will add salt to the wound

I am pushing that 'restart' button in anyway.

Cooking for health

2008-09-21T12:29:00.002+08:00

Been reading books on health.

Diet and food nutrition is one of the essentials.

To cut down calories and carbo for a much energised me, i have now start to be cautious of what i eat and how the food r being prepared. One other important factor is to save money. Nowadays either u find even hawkers up price or down on portion. And not forgetting the irritation of paying high service charge @ resturants and yet the food & service r below standard! Hence cooking for myself is so much happier, cheaper and healthy.

Very simple dishes such as mere steam fish, imperial chicken (pre-packed herbals) and desserts make good nutritious meals.

Trying to reduce intake of white rice. Sweet potatoes is good alternative.

From a book, i was reminded that my intake of water is really low. Many ppl ard me commented that. Yeah, i do not drink alot. At most per intake is few sip of water. One time i tried to drink more n actually puke water out. Now slowly trying to increase drinking water.

Water is too precious for our bodies :)

Ytd

2008-09-19T18:25:00.006+08:00

First day damn bad cramp.

As could not do my daily exercise due to cramp, tried to walk to interchange and take bus. At least that 5 - 10 min walk can sweat it out...

Everytime was fine until cramp + giddy attack came by when i tried to buy some food from fairprice.

It took me abt 15mins hiding in toilet due to cramp and urge to puke.

Then at the bus stop i was totally unable to move much. Managed to sit down, sweat jus broke; the cramp was terrible.

At 7pm+ the crowd was bad with only one bus taking us back to punggol. Hesitated to go up bus since it was overcrowded. In fact, let go 2 buses. The thought of me puking in the bus with 10s of ppl was not fun. Wanted to take cab but worry to got into bad smelling ones or one driver that like to brake n brake. That will give me more problem. At that point, every step has to be taken into consideration as already see stars; can blackout anytime.

SMSed but the other side was too busy having gathering. Actually also cannot do anyhting mah, i undeerstand lah haa. But jus need some encouragement to get me back home. So vulunerable.

Pray n pray and managed to get into a bus that was not so crowded. Indeed prayer got heard :)

In the bus, was further lucky to be able to get a seat. Continue to pray that i wont faint or puke in the bus.

It was only about 20min ride but it seemed forever.

Reached home, i thank Buddha for giving me the strength and protection. Took the last pink pill (again, prayer heard) and after an hour or so, the pain subsided.

Wonder if it is due to weaken body or as i grow older, my pain endurance lessen? the monthly biz pain is getting bad to worst

失望的星期五

2008-09-19T18:25:00.003+08:00

为什么会失望？

因为怀有希望所以失望。

原本星期三，后变星期五。
自找没趣，有些想法
然后，一大盆冰水落下

失望了！
生气了！
不可以表露吗？

事与愿违，有缘无份

请自己相信人间还是会有希望的

2008-09-08T17:51:00.002+08:00

everyone has up n down.

Some like to pour sorrow, some like to jus in peace to overcome it..

maybe the some is me

there is such agony on deciding to quit or not.. $ is always a matter. But health vs money, wat do i say?

nevertheless ppl who heard commenting unncessary. If really if it is not such a bother, do not think i will give up so easily on this job. This job is soooo simple yet still has its social meaning to me.

Tire already.. wat e hack..

朋友，请容许他人有自己的空间和烦恼
您的无理取闹，这时候的我无法包容
请您在这时间，享受自己的快乐
让他人安静的好好的面对自己的问题

我无能也不要求谁为我分担痛苦
只是要你们知道，我会在一次走出阴暗
到时候，请给于一个微笑

有时友谊就是这样更坚强
嘻嘻哈哈不是全部
静静的陪伴，让友情落地生根，卓见成长

Life, there must be other way out when someting is changing
There will be will be

haiz

2008-09-01T22:18:00.001+08:00

wat to say.. jus abit sad sad bah...

even u dun understand n remark that...

pls lor.. ppl is being nasty to me..

haiz nvm, u have own view ...

i should always let ppl say de

tongues wage

2008-09-01T21:46:00.002+08:00

hmm so maybe the work from home cannot work liao .. cos ppl r not happy.. one by one came n suan me hmmmmmmm

see how bah
no lose also if to leave entirely

他她的故事，是尽头还是过程。。。

2008-08-30T22:21:00.002+08:00

走了一段路，走着走着，尽然迷失了方向。
下一步，怎么走，黯然模糊

电话那一端，草草的挂了
心忽然一阵痛
从几何时。。。重复以前的情景