The Work of Bryon Katie

Suffering over Suffering

People suffer tremendously over the fact that they’re suffering, especially when the goal of the spiritual search is to end all suffering, then not suffering becomes just one more goal to fail at for the ego to suffer over. Resisting your suffering can cause more or just as much suffering as resisting whatever else you are resisting about life, which caused the suffering in the first place. Being upset that you are suffering tends to hold the initial suffering in place and extend it. Once you see this, there is the possibility of just allowing the suffering you are experiencing to be here—for now. If it is here, then let it be here, and that acceptance will provide an environment where the contraction you are feeling can begin to relax.

No one can suffer interminably; it’s too exhausting. You can only suffer so long before your consciousness expands again and you see things from a bigger perspective. Suffering is caused by seeing things from a very small perspective—the ego’s perspective. This small perspective makes you feel contracted, small, and powerless. You can only identify with this false perspective and the false self (the ego) so long before who you really are (essence) shines again and overshadows it. Often just out of sheer exhaustion, we drop back into essence (our true Self). What a relief to no longer be holding such a small perspective! It’s very tiring to be contracted, tense, and upset.

When you finally let go of the small perspective—the ego’s lie or limited story or belief—you relax into just being, and just being is inherently pleasant, relaxed, peaceful, accepting—mellow. The only thing that can cause you to contract and feel tense again is believing something else the egoic mind is telling you that doesn’t represent the whole truth about life or your situation. Have you noticed what negative stories the egoic mind tells you? The ego puts a negative spin on life, which stirs up negative feelings if you believe it. That’s the ego’s purpose, but we don’t have to buy its version of life.

The good news is that every time you contract, you can be sure you will expand! Suffering is not a problem because it isn’t forever—and it isn’t fatal! Of course, no one likes to suffer, but it does come and go, like everything in life. Suffering is a bit like the weather: Storms blow in and then dissipate. No matter how intensely you are suffering, it will run its course. Now, it is true that suffering is relatively unnecessary, that is, it’s possible to not suffer, or at least to not suffer so much, and that is what these spiritual teachings are about. And yet, very few people attain an existence that is entirely free of suffering. It is rare and, therefore, perhaps unrealistic to expect to be entirely free of suffering in this lifetime. How wonderful if you can reduce the amount that you suffer even a little! If you are able to do that, you can be sure that the amount you suffer will continue to decrease as you get better at ignoring the egoic mind and staying in the present moment.

This takes practice, like everything else. We practice listening to our egoic mind all the time, so it’s going to take practice to learn to not listen to it. When you feel impatient with your progress, remind yourself that that impatience comes from the ego. It creates the problem, and then suffers over it. Suffering over your suffering is just more ego, and all you have to do is just see that. And be gentle with yourself. It’s really hard being human, and if it were easy to wake up out of the ego and never suffer again, there would be many more people having that experience!

The funny thing is that as soon as you accept your suffering, and suffering over your suffering, you have taken a step back from the ego and dropped into essence, where the mistaken beliefs that caused your suffering can be seen through and healed. The more you are able to see that the beliefs that caused your suffering are untrue, the sooner you will be free of them. Suffering gives us an opportunity to see our conditioning, see its falseness, and become free of it. Suffering isn’t so bad! It is actually intended to set us free from the egoic mind, and eventually that is exactly what it does. Because it is unpleasant to suffer, we eventually question what we’re thinking, especially when spiritual teachings encourage us to do that.

We have the spiritual technologies and the spiritual understanding now to free ourselves from much suffering, but please don’t suffer over the fact that you’re still suffering sometimes! There is no hurry to become free. When suffering is no longer seen as a problem, then it can come and go, and whenever it shows up is an opportunity to see through any mistaken beliefs and negativity. Where’s the problem in that? Weather is supposed to happen, and so is contraction and expansion of consciousness, as long as we are human. Whether we suffer over that contraction or not is a matter of how much acceptance we bring to it when it is happening and how much compassion and tenderness we give ourselves for being human. The solution to suffering is acceptance, compassion, gentleness, and love for ourselves and others who are temporarily believing the ego’s negativity.