this life is not meant for myself. There are responsibilites towards others.. time n time, again and again, there are miracles in life i must achieve

I used to think that I could not go on
And life was nothing but an awful song

But now I know the meaning of true love I'm leaning on the everlasting arms - tat's me

If I can see it, then I can do it

If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky

I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away

I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door

See I was on the verge of breaking down
Sometimes silence can seem so loud

There are miracles in life I must achieve

I know it starts inside of me,

ohIf I can see it, then I can be it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

Hey, cuz I believe in me, oh If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there's nothign to it

Hey, if I just spread my wingsI can flyI can flyI can fly, heyIf I just spread my wingsI can flyFly-eye-eye


i did it before and will do it again.. reach out that open door n get chance to get out of the dung

心灵 自由

我为自己许下诺言。。 我不再为那样的事，庸人自扰。

给自己呼吸时间吧。。

它绊着我十多年，年年害怕犹豫。 它是时候 放开我的手了

会有它事让我过那一秒更踏实

微笑微笑

一生 不仅仅活在那一秒

A great morning to wake up to...

Dear really helped to ring me so i can wake up early n not feel lousy.

A company rang up. Despite i am still unclear of what i want n life purpose to start with. It was great to receive the phone.

Now listening to self help audio.

Yes! i feel great now. Cos i have done some miracles to my life n body.. raised efforts to take responsibility for myself. Cloud nine i create the nice feel, lessen pain.

The next step is to reduce the miserable feel n depression n fear i get every now n then. N not to be soaked in other ppl foul mood. I cannot control other ppl. They can continue to whine but i m not goin to. I cant control u but i can control myself

I create psychological safety net so that regardless of what happen, i will not be worrying and fearful.

Still have freedom to choose own attitude. Courage to focus on things i can do n i can control. Increase chance to understand n achieve my goal n success in my own way.

It's yr end but not end of life. E sailing continues... fighter fights :)

Reflecting 2008 - Stocktaking

Thank You 2008 and Welcome 2009


Thank you , i really thank for the year. There are UPs and downs. But i am still surviving :)

It was a drastic n very bold move to quit n rest at home. There were few objectives i wanna to achieve:
1. Nurse back health n stablised the very low red blood cell count
2. Get back my figure. i mean at least slim down abit. The tummy was very embarrsing
3. Read more
4. Gain better control on emotions n let go past n embrase the future. Especially in relationship. How to better handle situation


The results were pleasing

1a. Giddy spells were pretty minimised. Only some occasions but i can handle it better.
1b. Decade curse of menses pain and cramps were reduced to minimal. The effect for past two months were plain tire. But no cramps. *Relief. Keep it up!!!
2a. Reduced tummy though stil probing. But not so embarrasing. Thighs reduced by some 0.0x inches. It is v small reduction but it is still results. I managed to squeeze back into some pants. Cut cost!!
2b. Can dance better .. body more flexible
2c. Able to continuously exercise for 30min and still looking great. it was terrible 3 mths ago
3. Yeah read alot alot. Confession- many books i read selectively on few sections. Gemini is so 'hopping' lol. N thanks to NLB, able to borrow twice # of book and audio books. N the decision to renew premium membership allow me to hear books. Great!
4. Yeah, those self help books and audio books were helpful. Alot of reading and self reflection and confession really let me realise alot of things about Life, Living & R'ship managment. I hope i can really improve alot. And thanks BC for his patience. Occasionally i still unconsciously slip back into depression and emotional blackmail. Somehow despite being irritated, you have help me along the way. :)

Now, 2009 challenge is how i can get back to workforce. Earn decent income and then continue to stay n live healthy

Life, i love u.
Hope, i believe in u
Me, i will learn to have more faith in u :)

进化论

今天起身，我 感到好寂寞。。
不是因为自个而寂寞

心理空虚不是有人有声驱赶地走 的 。。。

为什么我不能像他人一样，浸泡在 吵闹 喧哗里 而 狂喜，自个 觉得 生命以很精彩
我有 尝试，将近半年

可是我的空虚好像无底洞

追求 精神和心灵上的饱暖 真的 一直缠住我一生

好像一直在寻求一次又一次的思路进化

缺乏新知识和个人提升让我觉得生命没了呼吸。。 我好想停停脚步，每天做个布娃娃，像她们 ，无边无尽 的 只 想着 玩乐 打扮 吃喝

可是那把声音逼迫急速呼唤着我行动了

我的人生，我的生存意义是什么？

寻找进化更新生命的意义。它只属于自己，没人能了解。。 每个人是独一无二的

希望 您的 已 找到 或 又一次进化了

爱情长篇 ‘小说’

（1） 什么样的爱才 叫 爱
女人总把自己的时间交给她的男人
男人往往 。。 也许毫不经意的。。 把时间分割

女人就这样 误会/认定 自己乏味 让男人注重朋友过于自己

男人莫不着头
女人暗地伤心

男人觉得女人 无理取闹
女人叹气男人 不了解 她的伤心

e getaway

I love the mountains, I love the clear blue skies ...
I love big bridges ...
I love when great whites fly ...
I love the whole world ...


Boom-de-ah-da, Boom-de-ah-da, Boom-de-ah-da, Boom-de-ah-da!

my version:
i love the escalator, i love the lift

i hate the stairscase, i hate the slope

i hate the sea, i hate the wave, i hate ferry, i m not a sea lover

disgusting

tat Saturday at airport in april

你只是静静陪了我一个午后

在我的心里仿佛你停了好久

一点点探索一点点感动

你竟然有我渴求已久的温柔


你问我是否还有感情路要走
那是我自己都怕提起的伤痛

不想说太多不要人问候
不想在这个时侯对你细说

只想有一段路是你陪着我走

不谈论关于我的过去和以后

挥霍寂寞直到我们的心又软弱

只想有一段路是我陪着你走

就算为一个一定会消失的梦

你眼睛会笑
弯成一条桥 终点却是我永远到不了

感觉你来到 是风的呼啸
思念像苦药竟如此难熬 每分每秒

我找不到 我到不了 你所谓的将来的美好

我什麽都不要知不知道 若你懂我这一秒
我想看到我在寻找那所谓的爱情的美好

我紧紧的依靠紧谨守牢不敢漏掉一丝一毫

愿你看到

叉烧与烧肉拼盘

never can get along well. Even talking

but they r often put together in the same plate.

then when u mix them up the taste is great........

in this case, it was for maybe 2-3 yrs only.

现在连客套话都可以那么的火拼

the plate is like our lives. Guess we wont get along anyway but are bundled together.. somehow..

we wont drop contact but it will be like that.. last time cant see eye to eye now also cant, the future also will be the same.

Retiree life preview

Today, i dropped all sort of burden and tried to enjoy my retirement day.

Despite waking up at 3am and having difficulty back to sleep, i think i enjoy the day quite well.

Did my routine workout by 11am. Went to library to return books and had BK for lunch. Satisfied my craving *yeah i am quite a junk food supporter.

Read a few pages while chewing on BK chicken ;)

Then went to do abit of groceries marketing.

Enjoying the slow walk and browsing, and soaking into Xmas mood.

Released tension and the many 'wat if', i enjoy the day.

Only got spolit when i realised i missed my credit card payment date again! Damn gonna waste $90 for nothing. Wrote in to ask for wavier. But i am such frequent requester so not sure if it can be sucessful.. My fault wat e fuck i m doing!!!!!!!!!! Gonna ask for auto deduct liao

haiz

okok i try to get back the relax mood or life will go wrong wrong wrong again.......

天冷你就回来别在风中徘徊

Living in my own world

Totally shield away fr storm outside.

It is scarey and totally insecure.

Maybe should say it WAS.

Now i just want to enjoy this little short period of serenity. Admit this is the down and out period. And enjoy it afterwhich will be totally different war zone.

Relax relax relax.. hear no gossip of mine, hear no criticisim of mine, hear no misperception on me..

Chosen it n will just swift through this period.

As usual, it's a test of own determination and decisiveness

他人的有心或无意指点，蔓延的流言， 我怎能轻易忘了自己设下的目标而沉浸在自怜的漩涡？
人生太在乎别人的指责，成功就会远离我。。。
Now i truely noe wat is meant by FOCUS

gemini, gemini... focus focus focus.. trash the devil out of you

e nite scene...

It is pretty common amongst HDB dwellers to complain of 'marble dropping' and 'furniture dragging' noises in middle of nite. Some even have very spooky answers. It might apply to my unit since mine is the highest for corner units!

However i have learnt to ignore the unexplainable part.

It is the nite scenes by neighbours that made my nerves unsettled.

Recently there are often loud bangs and quarrels. Then last nite at 1 or 2am, was awoken in shock with plates rumbling! Well, i guess is the one immediately below my unit. Probably the dog or just the parents. The parents are as equally noisy as their kids during day time. One more habit of theirs is to bang and lock the gate extremely hard. Poor door and gate...

This is nerve wreaking. That partly made me give up resting and recuperating. I cant do that in the day time and at night! So guess it be better off to go back to workforce. At least for past 3.5yrs in Serangoon, i din hear or aware of this phenomenon. Home was purely like hotel for me to bathe n sleep say fr 3am to 8.30am.

Now i hope to get back a job that works endlessly into the day, nite and even weekends. Cos many things have already sort of turned meaningless.

孤星

我真的是一个不适合谈恋爱的人。

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昔日我特有的魅力没有了

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人生一遍又一遍的苦涩，是我无法逃离的。
在又一个无人能谅解的情况下，我也只能孤独咬紧牙根慢慢的爬上来。
真的没有气谁。生活是自己的，命运也只有自己可以试图改变

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how do i get progress in life?

We live for a purpose. That is what usually a succesful person will say. With a purpose, there will be meaning and efforts are deemed effortless.

I used to be pretty hard on myself. At least that's what i thought it was.

Personal growth, i strive to get educational certificates. Every pass and graduation make me feel fulfilled and will stronger. Cos i was able to exceed own limitation and broke the curse or rather the bad trend in my family tree (both parents' sides). Under almost impossible climates, i got the fundamental certificates. And was happy and really glad. That to some it seemed so trivial and thought i was weird. Everyone has different set(s) of obstacles to overcome. I am destined to go through the unusual path in order to achieve something which seemed so naturally to possess.

Looking back and into current, have made a serious mistake in career move. Amist all the encouragaement to leave a hell workplace, i forgot something most important. This weirdo works on anything merely because of passion. Yeah, with passion, obstacles can be overcome w/o pain. So now i find myself drifting because i cant find back the passion. It is almost impossible, but true, that i want to work on something that at the same time benefit people at large. That is because, when i was at the brim of life, nobody extended help (but i do appreciate what the church has done for my whole family. The Church handed us some monthly $ so that i was not as taxing to provide for entire family expenses)

So, now what can i do to progress in career? it is not only stagnant but almost put to a stop cos of stupid health issue. But i do not want it to be an end. I cannot afford. And yeah i m hungry for alot more. Because i strived very hard and got what i had, i want to prove to myself that i can do better despite limited IQ and capability. I need to show a good example for my younger brother.

How do i break the current barrier and progress..

Love / Relationship is the worst part of my life. The past showed i was such a failure. This current one i am not sure how to make it progress. Thanks to say that currently there is trust and alot of understanding. However there must be more efforts or how can a relationship substain and even progress? W/o new progress, alot of unhappy things will happen. That is why we see couple of many years eventually break up even before marriage. Married couples are just together for sake of status and some for children. With now things are fine, how can i bring this relationship to newer height?

Maybe i am really shallow. Definition of progress is so limit. But i need to try and strive harder. Progress is something no one can run away from it.

Ponder and ponder. Who and where can i learn to be smarter and view things more wholesome n intelligently?

tire tire

super tire

flow is sooooooooo heavy...

though regular exercise n rather healthy diet have helped in reducing the bad pain for such period, i cant escape fr plain tire.. super tire.. no strength. But jus simply cant sleep longer.

Counting the days............................................................................

小雨点的心事

我泡了一杯红茶
对着一块咬了一口的饼干说话

寂寞像一棵爬墙树慢慢爬上心头
偷偷搬到我家来住

我买了一束玫瑰花
对着每一朵花说出心中的话

寂寞像一本厚厚的书
重重压在心头

默默在梦里抱着枕头哭

这世界真真假假
是不是每个人都披着面纱
是不是每个人都互相害怕

看看窗外的高楼大厦哦···

不知道 不知道有没有人像我一样哦···
不知道 不知道真心话住在那一家不知道

莫强求

blogging to some is meaningless......

facebook seems to be more interesting than blogg?

personal choice bah

nothing.. jus notice such thingy..

n why ants wont die that easy?

:(

我能为你做些什么？

爱你，是要给你的爱多点距离？




你消失的一百天我没了笑脸
怕别人看见
我敏感的神经线一点一点没知觉

泛红双眼不成眠
它跟着我一整夜
麻痹的脸特效药也无解

才发现我正搁浅在爱情过敏的季节
oh

过敏源是对你的思念

我想我才了解我正停格在爱情过敏的季节
季节没改变是想念没断线
我想我才发现感情尘蹒已布满了我的世界

oh过敏源是为你流的泪

我想我才了解就算用尽了力气也未必如愿

季节没改变是眼泪弄湿脸

季节一直变但我的心没有变


你消失的一百天我没了笑脸没知觉

风筝该飞多远？？？

明明白白，以针见血

你我的故事其实在每个角落循环。。 所以每个哀痛不是唯独你的。。

http://lz.book.sohu.com/chapter.php?id=8483&volume=1&chapter=15

过去的过去，
现在，怎么办？
该让空间阔一点？怎么样的爱，才能让你不休克？

how come i get to wake up again?

what make two can communicate well?

character differences how?

time can kill peace

Dun wan the past..

y when i told u i m not keen to bring up the past n u still tag me in?

Everybody have own thinking. To u may be weird but it not really up to u..

so as usual, now the past comes haunting me, i have to sell my smile.


haiz

these yrs i been tryin to forget everything in the past n to gradually forget how family n relatives brought pain to me..... then u must dig out the days...

damn

u dun understand u wont understand n i dun expect u to understand. But shouldnt u respect others? dun start thinking u r great n above n u r ritge in everything.. tat not gd for ur life, sad to say

If life can be restart.. life can be ended actually

when did i start losing my fighting spirit and let illnesses n strange pain overcome me?

Secondary time - super bad IBS and non stop menses.. i fought and win
Part time Poly - super super bad IBS, piled up stress from working and studying. suspected stomach cancer.. i fought single handedly
PA time - no day no nite work.. sick eveyr other week.. my fighting spirit embraces me and continue to score high points on every part of the career
Separating period- lose ability to sleep. Deep depression... i walked out of it aft 2 yrs.

Now - chronic fatigue jus overwhelmed me. Zero confident stopped every thing i wann to do and achieve..

M i living for too long? tat y i lose my life purpose

Should i attempt to lose it for once n maybe rekindled life n fighting spirit?

very breatheless now i dun noe y...

:(

是我。。。

别说对不起

是我自己不相信自己

没有把握留住‘天长地久’

Backfire?

Gradually i come to term that i m the type that will pressurised own self to the max on many things.

Maybe i cant take failure. Likely i jus too sick of failing again and again in many areas.

One big influence was him. He used to put alot of expectations on me in many tings. if i cant do it and really many times i couldn't i am termed as 'useless'. So i simply cant take failure.

So today the pressure is very huge though it is not sth too big. But eversince then, my confidence level dropped to lowest. A simple thing i find it too hard to pick up.

So i tried to play it down with alot of negative words or even made it believe i dun care. It is to protect myself towards unforgiving myself should thing do not go rite.

e more i live, the more i dread of waking up. The more i dread of breathing... when everything of me is so WRONG!!!!!!!

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Not a prostitute. I dun really like any m an to jus touch me be it my hands or shoulder. Felt disgusted.

Mindset change.. last time i was abit wayward (not as much though) becos i wan to revenge n hate my hubby for wat he did.

Now i m having a normal r'ship. N i hope the rest r really truthful friendship

Yeah, friendship pls.......

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a story tat haunted me for 6 mths ...................

她常常故作冰清玉洁
不让任何人轻微碰动
那晚她见到他，却往他怀里靠
她心动了

其实他们好配。。。 对不起
。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

爱上了
越来越爱
。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。
害怕梦会醒
。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

giantic acne

Not exactly termed as acne .. but i dun noe wat e hack the term is called n spell.. doc said i forgot.

Pain pain

scare scare


scar scar?

:(:(:(

a v old song.. can only find lyrics :(

如果愛是這麼簡單

作詞：李子恆　作曲：李子恆　編曲：屠穎&李士先　演唱：高淑津


是不是這樣就算愛上你　要不要說聲我愛你會不會我太隱藏自己　讓好多日子就這麼過去該不該就此放心去戀愛　其實你對我也不壞好不好讓你一樣明白　我心中早己有了愛的感覺認識你再愛上你　就像一場遊戲如果停止這遊戲　它是悲還是喜為何愛情來的如此容易　歐....如果愛是這麼簡單　為何心中有個疑難總是害怕愛情不會有永遠　歐...如果愛是這麼簡單　為何懂你越來越難總是聽不見你心中的希望

Such a long time since here..

not that i have nothing to input. It all in my mind ..

maybe i should start doign what writers usually do.. record down thoughts using voice recorder then pen them down..


Recently quite irritated by some people. Maybe bcos i have more time on hand.. so more interaction?

Actually with more time on hand does not mean i wan to waste my time on errands others wan me to help. Selectively ok but not all. The meaning of not working is different in everyone's dictionary. if u think i m not working now mean totally useless n idling that is ur biz. U can do that also n live up to ur expectation lo.

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Due to economic condition, those who have jobs majority will clinch on tightly (majority only cos minority still idling in office and abusing communication tools). Then u hear more n more people unhappy with their job workload and bosses. Bosses who are not up to standard now tend to throw more weights becos they know the subordinates need the job.

But they have forgotten that people on top will watch them also. When economy turns well, we shall see who will have the last laugh

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Office politics is everywhr.

Nobody like it. N the more nobody wan to be a victim.

Colleagues can never be real gd friend, that we ought to remember always.

With same position, you need to vie credit and performance. In different department you will still need to think of own department interest.

But human r still human. Alot of times we noe but we choose to belive in miracle. So when hurt, whose fault har?

又是老掉牙的话题了

被遗弃的女人因为寂寞而‘随地’谈起恋爱。

叹气！ 六个月了，还是听到雨点滴嗒滴嗒

如果因为寂寞而爱，那其实会更寂寞的！

老友，你没经历过，想必很难理解的。 我还真不要你体验这样的悲剧啊！

经历了风风雨雨，是无法像单纯的丫头去爱； 只因寂寞，要呵护和炫耀拥有爱情。

爱情有太多的代价。付出是双方必须给的。

失败后能不能站起来也是后患无穷的。。。

被困在爱的枷锁里多年，要再爱其实需要勇气

一个人孤寂却不寂寞的！ 当真！怎么比？自由是自己的嘛。

来得很不经意，我也措手不及。

是宿命，是冥冥中被安排腻补过去的残缺。。没人知。。

路还远
微笑会继续
哭泣会继续
寂寞会继续（爱也可让人寂寞的啊！）
路一步一步的走

世界那么大，总有片刻爱恋，总有容我处

to those of us who still believe

其实他做的坏事我们都懂
没有什么不同
眼光闪烁 暧昧流动
闭上眼当作听说
其实别人的招数我们都懂
没有什么不同
故作软弱 撒娇害羞
只是有一点别扭

傻瓜也许单纯地懂
爱得没那么做作
爱上了我不保留

傻瓜 我们都一样
被爱情伤了又伤
相信这个他不一样
却又再一次受伤

傻瓜 我们都一样
受了伤却不投降
相信付出会有代价
代价只是一句傻瓜

傻瓜 我们都一样
受了伤却不投降

Pain Pain

Ytd evening, i had a very bad LS experience again. Got to stop at one of the MRT station...

Used to have such occasions many times.

Like i say again n again, m really lucky to be able to survive to today n even longer heehee.

Always have alot of prob esp stomach (since last time specialist said i may have stomach cancer! geez).

Too much prob until ex hubby just ignore me (haha, it is liek that de mah, 司空见惯）Only my own family dun really noe cause i dun really wan to tell them. They know only alittle. Actually to tell them is also useless. Only add to their worry of how to get money.

so i also wan to stop telling 'u' or else it will be a history repeating itself again.

Nevermind, i wan to fight it out myself. Like i used to do. Now may need more efforts since age is catching up.

Alot of things though fate may still unfold (like my failed marriage), there must be some efforts to walk out or overcome matters de. If i have never force myself to study n work, will there be today? or everyday we have to think of how to get money?

This period, i made 'mistake' after 'mistake'. I need to turn ard situation... Guess there is no luxury of really rest full time for a long period le...

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Voices in my head?

Dun noe izzit i have been alone for too long.. n not been talking much since left workforce.

Last nite i was fallin asleep n suddenly woke up..... tot i heard my name being called.

Worry of health, career, money and not having enough knowledge could have done damages to me? Hope i wont get mentally disorder

It's been some time since any update done here.

Do have alot to pen down. But whenever i wanna to really sit down n type, i kind of forgot :P

Great show with great companion

It has not been easy for me to get ppl to watch the type of movie i like... long, slow unfolding story with alot of twists n alot of academic air in it.

Youth w/o Youth is a movie that can trigger craze in me to attempt to understand it deeper by reflashing many of the scenes, the dialogues, read on reviews & author & his other works and to spend big bomb on getting the book to read again to fully understand the ending. I jus need to put a perfect ending to it!

The Thursday's afternoon in picture house, seated with so few people ard. Serenity, lazy Thursday with a plot half known to me.. n great companion that shared my curousity and put up with my 1001 questions.

That Thursday marked 25 Sept 2008

Cheers

Panick! Restarting......

A letter to u...

We have not known too long so u wont understand what happen..

N like others, u also think that i quitted my job cos i cannot take my boss stupidity

How to explain to u?

NO NO NO

Ppl who worked with me know me well. I have went through alot of hardship and challenges at work and even life. Nothing was plain sailing for me.

But i never gave up entirely.

My fighting spirit was always high.

this time i panicked.

It is my health. Ppl like you who are healthy wont understand.

I panick n panick even more.

It is ok if bosses give hell. Cos no brainer like her cannot do damage to me. It is ok if Director's demand is high and can be sarcastic.

It is NOT okay when my mind cannot work. The tremendous drop of blood cell count reduce my ability in concentratio and thinking. Did i not share with you that at one seminar, i simply turn blank?

Mum's has such giddy symptom when she was 30s. there will be days she cannot even get up.

I did not and have not been thinking i will suffer that too. But after several times esp. a simple 2 stop MRT ride can really wipe my energy off, i m scare n worry.

Ppl who know me know that even up to today i m the sole breadwinner at home. I cannot afford to be like my mum. Nobody can support me.

It is a painful struggle for me to leave workforce and not work for another who' know how many months.

Am alrady getting tire of answreing ppls' qn on why quit, so jia lat meh etc. Dun take me as a joke. It not fun


If really there is a need, i ought to give up everyting. And come back again whne i m up there again. Some human r dangerous. they onlybe attractd to u when u r there. when u r down, they will add salt to the wound

I am pushing that 'restart' button in anyway.

Cooking for health

Been reading books on health.

Diet and food nutrition is one of the essentials.

To cut down calories and carbo for a much energised me, i have now start to be cautious of what i eat and how the food r being prepared. One other important factor is to save money. Nowadays either u find even hawkers up price or down on portion. And not forgetting the irritation of paying high service charge @ resturants and yet the food & service r below standard! Hence cooking for myself is so much happier, cheaper and healthy.

Very simple dishes such as mere steam fish, imperial chicken (pre-packed herbals) and desserts make good nutritious meals.

Trying to reduce intake of white rice. Sweet potatoes is good alternative.

From a book, i was reminded that my intake of water is really low. Many ppl ard me commented that. Yeah, i do not drink alot. At most per intake is few sip of water. One time i tried to drink more n actually puke water out. Now slowly trying to increase drinking water.

Water is too precious for our bodies :)

Ytd

First day damn bad cramp.

As could not do my daily exercise due to cramp, tried to walk to interchange and take bus. At least that 5 - 10 min walk can sweat it out...

Everytime was fine until cramp + giddy attack came by when i tried to buy some food from fairprice.

It took me abt 15mins hiding in toilet due to cramp and urge to puke.

Then at the bus stop i was totally unable to move much. Managed to sit down, sweat jus broke; the cramp was terrible.

At 7pm+ the crowd was bad with only one bus taking us back to punggol. Hesitated to go up bus since it was overcrowded. In fact, let go 2 buses. The thought of me puking in the bus with 10s of ppl was not fun. Wanted to take cab but worry to got into bad smelling ones or one driver that like to brake n brake. That will give me more problem. At that point, every step has to be taken into consideration as already see stars; can blackout anytime.

SMSed but the other side was too busy having gathering. Actually also cannot do anyhting mah, i undeerstand lah haa. But jus need some encouragement to get me back home. So vulunerable.

Pray n pray and managed to get into a bus that was not so crowded. Indeed prayer got heard :)

In the bus, was further lucky to be able to get a seat. Continue to pray that i wont faint or puke in the bus.

It was only about 20min ride but it seemed forever.

Reached home, i thank Buddha for giving me the strength and protection. Took the last pink pill (again, prayer heard) and after an hour or so, the pain subsided.

Wonder if it is due to weaken body or as i grow older, my pain endurance lessen? the monthly biz pain is getting bad to worst

失望的星期五

为什么会失望？

因为怀有希望所以失望。

原本星期三，后变星期五。
自找没趣，有些想法
然后，一大盆冰水落下

失望了！
生气了！
不可以表露吗？

事与愿违，有缘无份

请自己相信人间还是会有希望的

everyone has up n down.

Some like to pour sorrow, some like to jus in peace to overcome it..

maybe the some is me

there is such agony on deciding to quit or not.. $ is always a matter. But health vs money, wat do i say?

nevertheless ppl who heard commenting unncessary. If really if it is not such a bother, do not think i will give up so easily on this job. This job is soooo simple yet still has its social meaning to me.

Tire already.. wat e hack..

朋友，请容许他人有自己的空间和烦恼
您的无理取闹，这时候的我无法包容
请您在这时间，享受自己的快乐
让他人安静的好好的面对自己的问题

我无能也不要求谁为我分担痛苦
只是要你们知道，我会在一次走出阴暗
到时候，请给于一个微笑

有时友谊就是这样更坚强
嘻嘻哈哈不是全部
静静的陪伴，让友情落地生根，卓见成长

Life, there must be other way out when someting is changing
There will be will be

haiz

wat to say.. jus abit sad sad bah...

even u dun understand n remark that...

pls lor.. ppl is being nasty to me..

haiz nvm, u have own view ...

i should always let ppl say de

tongues wage

hmm so maybe the work from home cannot work liao .. cos ppl r not happy.. one by one came n suan me hmmmmmmm

see how bah
no lose also if to leave entirely

他她的故事，是尽头还是过程。。。

走了一段路，走着走着，尽然迷失了方向。
下一步，怎么走，黯然模糊

电话那一端，草草的挂了
心忽然一阵痛
从几何时。。。重复以前的情景

虽然收敛了许多的情感
还是泄露了我的不安
于是你开始冷淡
我也开始问自己该怎么办
如果你知道我的遗憾
千万不要再不以为然
我的生活已经混乱
到处漂流却始终靠不了岸
这是我最后
最美 最真
最心碎的留言
Oh 爱我 好吗
我愿意让伤心再来一遍
只要你留一个位置给我
哪怕是在你心中
最容易被忽略的角落
Oh 爱我 好吗
我愿意让伤心再来一遍
只要你留一个位置给我
哪怕是在你心中
最容易被忽略的角落

reason or excuse?

Should it be that watever you do there must be a reason to support it?

Dun understand when someone said i have alot of reasons for doing sth.

Well, there must always a reason or justification why u r doing something mah

It was a struggle for months.. tryin to weigh the decisions so i can be convinced y i continue or jus take another break.

Life flashed back, i actually did kind of gain many yrs of my life glowing (dun talk about marriage though). Rem vividly doc asked me to give up studies if i wan back health. I braved through 5 yrs to do my diploma; yrs of tears n pain. Then did my degree while working and then finally flourished in career. Those if i have not persisted i can never make it. But it also costs my health badly. The days whr i had only a loaf of bread for a week. Took office biscuits for lunch and then a $0.50 fried mee at Poly...

Every decision on what to spend for each cent.....

So to tie things up, now u noe why i will ensure every action i take there is reason and enough to convince myself...

So it is time to rest. There will be noises as not many ppl understand but like to give comment. Like i was sharing with dear... nobody even own kin can understand what you going through cos body is yours, health is yours, pain is yours

spinninggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

A long break

Yeah, decided and will proceed to take a long break.

Months of hesitating but it seemed will be a better choice than juggling work and then fighting against the whatever sudden attack. Often made both work and health suffered together.

希望休息是真的可以走更远的路

tire tire

喔　我已不知道
好久不见你好不好
我已不知道是否你已经忘掉喔　
Sweet Heart　你可知道这些日子我并不好
寂寞的影子已经疲倦的说　我累了
曾经有的梦像刺激的冒险一般
我已太累了不再是幻想的小孩

喔　那些曾经有的爱像无聊的童话一般
我已太累了不再是无知的小孩

This song was by Annie Wu (Yi Neng Jing). I like the lyrics and the tune. Only that everyone kept saying she cant sing. Actually this woman though act cute,she really good with pen n know wat she wanna...

i m in bad patch

so dun ask too much qn
dun irriate me

Woohoo!

Ytd went for RBC count test again with fingers crossed.

The results was so encouraging. It moved from 9.8 to 11.1! waahahahahahhahahahah

The doctor 'shamelessly' boasted that her iron tablets did the magic. I was kind enough to let her finish her victory talk. then i told her 'sorry i only took one or twice. Told you i cannot endure the side effect'. She looked at me. I carried on to explain that i would actually tribute the improvement with the at least 3-4 days a week of 30min - 1 hour exercise. N of cos we both agreed the change of diet is great. I cut down on tea (yeah friend, dun take tea immediately after meal, it will prevent your body from absorbing the nutrients), drink milo, start to eat more liver and beef.

Though still have to work towards the normal minimal count, it is really encouraging, yoyo!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
was so excited and high spirited after coming out of doc's room. Went to collect another type of iron tablet (which i just took now n it is causing some gastric problem already). U know wat! it took more than 30 min waiting time. By then my fatigue attack started again... the neusea feel, the black stars and feel of giddiness .. almost thought i will blackout.

i hope with the good progress the attack will lessen n milder.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Another Saturday's mornign got interrupted.

My health is no good. Doctor says need more zzz.
Happily i usually let myself sleep later on Saturday morning.
Other nights, believe me i been having sleepimg disorder.. well some other aliment caused me to wake up every few hours especially on weekend i will be dreaming of work. So Saturday is most stress free. And particularly for this week, i want more rest cos that weekend i be engaged fully at roadshow.

But sms and phonecalls come in. I think i know why you want to find me. But hor after sms and one phonecall, no one answer, maybe you can reconsider not to ring again. It is real terrible to be waken up by phone rings. I din pick up but was badly shaken already. I may sound very mean to put it here. But the abruption actually made me feel so drain and had problem for the rest of day.. Maybe healthy ppl like you wont understand how it feel, anyway.......................

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
e smart u, stupid me

Ya it was real stupid of me :(

快乐不快乐

it is really hard to explain...

The situation is not what you r thinking.

Everyone need to make a living. N in Spore we cannot run away from working late and hard.

Rat race? i should say it is ant walk. U noe, workers in Spore no matter how high up or low u r, u r jus like ant, crawling ard look n feel busy but heading to nowhere. At end of day, u feel happiness n excitement meeting your mate. U would have seen how ant and ant meet and they suddenly become hyper and crawl even faster...

The more you keep thinking that way, the more i feel i m hindering you. Like clipping your wings not allowing u to fly as high n wild as you would like.

Currently over at work, i m in great dilemna also. Fruitless is major killer. The kind of supervisor that made you run ard even headless cos she is not clear of direction. Then the staff is beyond repair. This pax (dun noe to term he or she) has some psycho prob it seem. or too self centred. But i cannot blame this pax totally. Some ppl only have that level of thinking and think they are great n doing great. I think i should feel happy for this pax, in the world there is only RITE n never do wrong.

Every one is out to make a living. Nowaday i try to be forgiving. So no matter how many uncalling act by this pax, i will jus ensure thing move. This pax is unfortuanately termed as not-trainable and beyond repair alrady. But it is a happy person living in own world. That i really salute.

人生短短几十年
其实说短不短，说长不长

something for pondering..

1. Some people do outright crime - kill, rape, murder
2. Some people cheat on relationship
3. Some people like to create office politics at work
4. Some people like to tell lies

which one is considered as real BAD?

wat's your pick?

人没有十全十美
其实本身的教养也很重要
价值观是日益累积的，连父母也很难一一教导
为有自己不断好求上进，增进知识，领悟其中道理

偶尔放慢脚步，听听心底的回音
做出调整，脚步也跟着轻了

不伤害自己，更不伤害别人， 是我很想达到的境界

没有安全感

女女女女女女
女女女女女女
女女女女女女
女女女女女女
女女女女女女

TORTURe

how long can i bear with this chronic low red blood cell count torture? very min feel like going to faint...

i wish i wish to take a break from work n rest for months to gain back wat was lost. But it is impossible. There will be more disaster back at home only. Nobody nobody bother what will happen to me. they will only say 'take care' and that's it. Every month this ATM will still have to work. The one running away from reality never come back again n will give more prob if i rise my prob.

To certain extend, i blame him actually. Cos if two pax shoulder the responsibility well, i think i dun have to slog like hell over the yrs. but selfish heart wanna pursue own interest at my expense.

How long how long must i should the major responsibility?

actually i think it all crap if they tell me to 'take care'

haa, such dark side of me. But tmr when i wake up, the routine will continue n my laughter will shine again :)

everything floating again

very light headed now!


n my work has yet to complete. DUMB DUMB


Thanks bat for the DOM. Gonna treat u since i m not kind haaaaaa u noe wat i meant

next time..

i rather not have it than later ppl think i dun appreciate. What e hell i done to make u feel not appreciated?

于是爱恨交错

口是心非

这些苦没来由

ppl u thought u r suppose to be so much closer may actually be calculative. Then dun do it, dun do it, dun do it

somehow still .. 我不是影子啦

back from bbk

came back last nite

Went on saturday.

Such a working retreat!

though seminar is only half day but i think i busier than the actual dept that organised this retreat. Must be like mamasan; going ard give namecard n self introduce.

Then at nites, eat and drink with bosses.

Lucky i TRAINED so know how to handle situation.

Haaaaaa after this, i really think when i started clubbing it was really to prepare me for the job.

My bigger boss really fascinated by me - tat i can dance? FAINT.. cos ppl started calling me 'teacher' le.. hate it.. that specs and my stupid dumb face.. so teacher look YUCKY!

Not much shopping. Only managed to grab shorts on last day... n gosh, i really need to lose weight to fit into the 6 pairs of shorts.. or really lugi money..

but for time being, at least tonite, let me try the banana , durian chips lah lol

Today i was one of the luckier ones to be able to have close session with CEO. but my RBC is not helping me so i looked and acted dumb

:( in the bus, i feel like shouting loud n cry.. i wan my RBC back to normal so i dun feel so enervate and then can do what i did last time - FULL of energy n accomplish alot. So that i wont be worry of presentation becos i will get breathless and mind gone blank cos of low RBC

Then i can leave this place and not working for another SUSAN GxH 100% brain alike!

nice cooking and nice nice day :)

Morning was rather upset.

Last month my RBC count went up to 9.9 and i tot i could go beyond 10! but it drop to 9.8. Though not a significant drop, it is still low. The acceptable is 12. Doc said may have to send me to hospital to 'run' iron through me liao.

But it sounds scarey mah. So i asked to take iron tablets again lah :( but i will puke mah wa lau

anway doc said though not life threatening it is obstructing me in term of gettin tire easily, my thinking and reaction and may faint anytime wa lau wa lau. But the reaction and thinking part is true, at work i have black out alot of time and cannot think as fast as i can le lah :(

Evening was great cos of xx, so supportive of me.

One pic of the past brought back so much memories.. not all r sweet though

Believe the power of FACEBOOK

Saw another friend added my secondary school n went in to take a look. Found two of my class photos. N some of the classmates contact.

But i din really wan to go and say hi.

Despite school is lousy my class was super competitive and they are really really highly intelligent de. It seem alot of them are achieving well now.

I was very inferior at school de. Ppl got edcuated parents, got decent money for school, can go out and play. My family, we were always worried about money. Sometimes one week only $10 for family of 4 + grandma and my uncle & aunty will stay and then drunk and fight. Most times i skipped my makan so that my bro get more money. Sometimes if we have maggie mee to eat it was already very happy occasion...

Homework also pretty competitive.

Looking at the pic bring me back some past n feelings really mixed. Looking at the present me, i should say is better than last time le. But of cos when u compare with them... haiz...

It is not about comparing but jus memories and feelings gushes in now

o no

suddenly feel light headed again :(

is the screen too glaring or it jus me that the words are floating?

dumb dumb dumb dumb

Goodby M1 mobile connect modem

It was the first to launch internet token in Spore. And i was one of those that tried to be cool n subscribed for it.

Today finally called up M1 to terminate.

First time i feel i m really a customer of M1. The customer service lady tried to understand why i wan to terminate it.

There you go, but be assured i was very nice to the lady and even assured her that i m ok cos it was a pilot drive locally so did expect glitches mah

(1) Been stressing to M1 staff that i am using Vista. He assured me that it is still plug n play. But the story is not an ever-happy after. It took me almost 45min on phone trying to work with Technical service staff and was still in vain. In the end, was told to go down M1 to get my laptop reconfigure. It took me almost another 45min to an hour. So it is not really plug & play as technical service personnel explained

(2) The connection was so slow. For that i cannot even log into M1 website itself cos they have video streaming. How ironical. So was suggested to upgrade to 2nd tier speed. But it does not help at all.

Enough is enough. Finally 6 mths contract up and i got myself back to Singnet (another story will preveil soon i guess haaa).

M1 now offer me couple of choices, even want to waive 3mths off if i continue with this token. Long story on the offers. Maybe at end of day i dun take any? dun noe still thinking.

But i stil hope that such technology will thrive and even allow to connect to pda :)

And i finally made effort to call SingTel to terminate my residential phone caller ID. Been paying for years without using it. Y? cos i hardly connect my phone and my cheap phone does not have caller ID display LOL.

U see 3 mths=$12 and i been paying for 5 yrs? Wa lau...... terrible me in financial mgmt.

Eversince get to know XXXXXX, i learn alot and grow more sensitive to $ issue. Not that i m rich but really the poor always have one problem.. when we think we are poor, we do not mind those $1-2 cos in the end we are poor. That is the opposite of the richer ones. They tend to be calculative. But guess tat is the attitude of learning to mgmt $ and be sensitive on what to spend n what to save bah...... i m learning.......

cheers M1 cheers Singnet

爱心蛋挞

www.lecafe.com.sg

It was jus a stone throw from spoolz office. But for about 7 mths there i din get chance to taste it. Not your usual egg tarts. it is soya tarts.

Taste real good but din like the shop assistants attitude earlier on. Anyway it is too big a pack for myself.

Been tellng dear i want to try it someday.

hee, tdy got my wish granted.

Was told these are new flavour. The 2nd on top row is the original. The rest come with ginko, lycee and ching chow.

Real nice.

Thank u very much. U r wonderful :)

*hope this dun infringe your personal right

writing riddles?

FB keeps saying i like to write in riddle.

No mah.

As one grows old, we get to understand and realise that one feeling/thought/opinion is actually applying to many situations. Hence did not want to drill down to one incident or issue.

Nowadays i may not be writing as specific of an event le.

Lazy n extremely busy at work.

yeah, here to declare i m now v busy at work and even work at home till wee hours. So plsssssss dun get agitated whne i cannot reply msn on time. I jus let it onz but so many times i was away from desk

:)

rat life, my dear

important turns unimportant then important again then not important

so many things at halt le

There is always choices. for every decision made, there is opportunity costs. So depend on individual to decide if taking up choice A is more worth than choice B.

Why do we have to learn Maths? acquiring knowledge, we being to know how to weigh and measure the weight then we being to compare weightage.

It was monday, then tuesday then wednesday, then thursday, then friday, then saturday, then sunday

then it goes again and again

everyday new meetings, happenings and weightage.

Today choice A is top on the chart, tomorrow if lucky continue to stay, or else, it will jus slip down and down and further down.. choice C may emerge and not choice B as wat is expected.

Talking about expectation. That is a killer to human. It gives human desires and hopes. then like a balloon, even if not burst, D&H just get smaller.

How many ppl can be godly (somebody used that on me to tongue lash on me) and hack care of desires n possessions?

两个人不等于我们

今天拥有的财富不等于永远的占有

世上哪有永远的第一

拥有了失去，

快乐了不快乐

甜蜜的变质

回忆的痛苦

望着远处，以为冲出了枷锁， 却原来还在原地徘徊

That y i dislike kids.

They are innocent and pure when young but as days go by, they are polluted by people around, environment and situation arised.

I din like kids cos cannot bear to see them grow up and shed tears of disappointment, saddness and unhappiness.

Maybe sounded too negative but ...

do you kind of also think that happiness is often short stint yet unhappiness can follow u all ur life? u tot u found happines but before u can celebrate, it slips through your fingers. You are happy for a moment but in split second, you desire more and think of what you have not gotten

Hatred, love, greed is every living thing instinct

wa such a dream

hee

so me... cannot do one thing at one time de

So it took me to work from 1130pm to 5+am for my presentation and still like doing lor. Alot more to go...

When management dun even know wat they want how m i to satisfy them? anway m paid so if need RA RA i got to bah..

But so hilarious haaaaaaa know wat? i actually dreamt i snap at my D.

e scene....
it was sunday. I went back to collect some notes for my presentation and saw D. He said nothing. The plan was to go back collect notes then watch movie with dear. But when i am about to leave office, my D told my new boss i need to finish the ppt by 3pm But my show is at 3+ lei. Then very unhappy i snapped at him. If he said early i can readjust my schedule u noe haaa it was such tense moment...

Jus now morning msn chat with HC. He told me to zzz so i get inspiration to complete my ppt but told him dun wan to zzz wait i dream i stab my D. LOL

Slept about 5+am and woke up 8.30am. But managed to zzz abit more and catch Doraemon. Today's one luckily i have never watch before so quite amused by the toys Doraemon used to help Da Xiong. hee hee.. u noe last time to be able to watch this cartoon is sth luxury cos always have events on weekend....

so i still consider lucky bah.. even now to do ppt get wack then still dun noe how to start from .. it is better than a working robot.. but deep inside i noe that period i got more satisfaction than now.

有得必有失？

din mean it de

it is always bad to affect ppl especially during party time.

Have holding on cos need to bring you all in. I was by then very tire and see partial stars already.

Stupid low RBC making me have sudden attack... by the time going for 2nd time toilet, climb up the stairs i already knoe cannot hold on de.

So left silence mah

How i noe then he also left same time

now at home, too exhausted

我是一颗酸梅

甜中带酸

哈哈

怀念不久的甜蜜

我怀念的是无言感动
我怀念的是绝对炽热
我怀念的是你很激动
我怀念的是无话不说
我怀念的是一起作梦

怀念不久的甜蜜

我怀念的是无言感动
我怀念的是绝对炽热
我怀念的是你很激动
我怀念的是无话不说
我怀念的是一起作梦

不想睡

雨后的城市寂寞又狼狈
路边的座位它空着在等谁
我拉住时间它却不理会
有没有别人跟我一样很想被安慰
风停了又吹我忽然想起谁
天亮了又黑我过了好几岁
心暖了又灰世界
有时候孤单的很需要另一个同类
爱收了又给我们都不太完美
梦作了又碎我们有几次机会去追
不晓得为什么爱又稀少又昂贵
云在半空中被微风剪碎回忆
也许美可是正在飞走对不对啦啦...
天亮了又黑我过了好几岁

不想睡

雨后的城市寂寞又狼狈
路边的座位它空着在等谁
我拉住时间它却不理会
有没有别人跟我一样很想被安慰
风停了又吹我忽然想起谁
天亮了又黑我过了好几岁
心暖了又灰世界
有时候孤单的很需要另一个同类
爱收了又给我们都不太完美
梦作了又碎我们有几次机会去追
不晓得为什么爱又稀少又昂贵
云在半空中被微风剪碎回忆
也许美可是正在飞走对不对啦啦...
天亮了又黑我过了好几岁

no output

hmm

it is like stain n not fountain.

so not me again!

dun noe tmr will be able to pull out sth or not

but din really wan cos wanna go clubbing n sweat it out again mah
but if dun have it meant sth not rite again

12 july goin to take my scan results and do another RBC count test.

:( u noe i m v upset by Blood bank. they turned me away now keep send notice ask me go donate blood! arrgh not i dun wan mah

so how how how? if my RBC go back to 12+ i can go donate le? no need wait another 6mths mah since they keep send me notice.

can go back so fast? rem after 1 mth my RBC went up by 0.1 heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Gosh, is this mangojo?

wa so not assertive, so not aggressive.

she has changed or she aged?

stay calm n jus allow the flow to go on

guess ex colleagues will be shocked at how wormy i m now

lol

to fight or to flight?

Haiz

i dun mind the work 'honeymoon period' over.

But cannot stand the unreasonable treatment.

First by the D who not only fickleminded but forgetful. And according to tips and what i see, the typical old chinese mgr style.

Then HR fucking attitude.

Was not allocate the 'rightful' seat n now wan me to keep shifting. Already told them that if want me to shift, get my network and phone up at the new station. But no one bother and it is jus so coincident ppl keep asking y i m sitting here!

The work is funz n meaningful but many many irritating issues recently with mgmt.

However those who know me well that i will fight for justice be shock that i jus simple put my head down n remain silent.

Recently health is not good. Very bad. Wait vomit, nausea, giddy etc. I dun wan to challenge myself too much again. Jus wan peace.

So it's a struggle, to fight (which i noe i will win glorifying in a way cos will be able to prove my capability further) or to flight and then perhap settle for a more admin nature job?

haiz

here likethat, that also like that.

arrgh

sometimes it jus hard to accept fact

Back to reality too fast?

cannot take it ?

maybe bah

Cannot dun believe my ill fate haaaaaaa

sounds so self pity lei

dun like

but reality set in too fast.. maybe also faulty to enter into dreamland so like that bah

lalalalalalallalala

if keep dwelling, it become i m adding stress. I noe that!

how now? mango is rather a stubborn person one lei.... she still need time to convince herself 'it is like that one lah'

at meanwhile, run away virtually...

go ard aimlessly

maybe the other way rd is to freeze in the fridge bah

if each day can be less than 24 hours

heehee

then i can work less hours n zzz longer? n less tire?

though had dinner tonite with GRLs and supposed to be R&R i felt tire throughout. now even but as usual refuse to zzz early..

tmr meeting at town then need rush down to SP.

tire tire tire

N staff all so brainless n useless

human r greedy

we human r greedy lots.

tend to take and possess and too quick to ask back when thing slip out of hand...

recently a friend's spouse asked to come back after this friend served a divorce notice.

the spouse walked out many yrs ago w/o even telling my friend what is wrong. Left big shit for my friend including finanical.

After years, my friend decided to serve e paper since spouse never even turn back.

We dun noe wat cause the split. but the spouse chose to run away to faraway land n not even willing to settle what was left behind is really...

anyway

the spouse actually reverted and plead to reconcile. After all these yrs?

if the spouse has always wanted and regretted for own doing, would this person made more efforts than to email n tell my friend wanna to come back?

human r jus greedy. Do not wan to lose sth that is in hand, not even rots.

tat goes to my marriage. I felt ex hubby still somehow think he possess me. So he can continue to order me to do things. Doing things for friend is ok, it is the attitude. Cant stand him jus wan me 24 hours standby and die for him.

He has packed and left quietly aft stormy days. maybe this time i m too firm le lah, tat y he noe he wont be able to command me like before.

took this pic of an empty cupboard.
human r greedy
damages are left to the weaker ones

glad my friend firmed up mind. I mean it could sound v harsh on the spouse but sometimes what step u took u can never undo do..
walk with care, friends

u noe wat is worst than being diagnose with incurable illness?

that doc said 'dun noe y'.

N there you go time to time get feverish, emit alot of heat and yet temp on thermometer showed u r perfectly ok. Then you get giddy spell. then you seem to be out of world cos u cannot concentrate.

But doc said 'dun noe y'.

Ytd morning vomitted in bus. Dear said it should be gastric fluid. But i noe definately caused by the Iron tablet.

So now phobia of taking another trial. Cos it is not onloy about vomitting but the torment moment before u throw up....

Now feeling giddy. Lucky boss not in.

how long can i sustain like tat?

:( i would rather being diagnose with cancer or watever terminable illness u noe! will stop playing catchign with doc le.

My mum being suffering from bad giddy spells since her 30+, i m worried. Cos when she was down, this daughter took up job and responsible for whole family. So even when she lost her hubby, there is solution. If i am down and like her cannot work anymore, who is goin to take care of this family and me? nobody.. cos bro will said God will help him.

who is the God that worked hard n long hours to get more for family all these years?

who has yet to get enlightened and still preach that one cannot work too hard.

everything this mango does is wrong wrong wrong.. but she is still benefiting everyone..

tat goes to ex hubby. Ytd he lectured me that i dun noe how to deal with life. Felt i m a joke. M i so bad! if so, all these yrs, who is the one giving him moral support and never leave him in lurk?

MANGOJO is jus one of those jokes in this world, wasting resources.

But life has to go on as long as one is breathing, be it weak or refreshing one...

Life MUST go on cos there are too many unfinished businesses to take care of.

Making myself sound impt? maybe..

hahaha

tat's life, folks!

blow aft blow

As expected, medical results is 'it is still low'. 'Maybe ... er... let's see...'

Then monster came back.

Had big fight over the phone this morning. Tried to off it and then evengin kena again. It is about 1hr + that he is lecturring, maligning and insulting me :(
still goin on now....

life is HELL. 4 letter words

夜

Very irritated tonite.

Boss is unfair or stereotype PA staff as brainless n tactless. So he jumped into conclusion on sth on me even it was not my fault

Then i tried to take bus home. But bus broke down half way.

Managed to take a cab. but towards reaching my place, driver realised he din on meter. So we settled on an amount i m unsure if it is fair.

At door, a lizard just happily stuck to door n i had problem opening the door. Now my gate is not locked cos unsure if lizard is there.

Feeling lousy.
可是亲爱的，你怎么不在我身边
。。 以前的他没空里我。
现在也许年纪还小，爱莫能助。 也不想让他人感到承重的负担。。。

life u still need to face it n walk ahead alone de :)

天天都有落叶 特别是今晚夜当沙沙的风吹 每一片叶 掉一滴泪夜夜有人心碎 他们相信谁当爱被解了约 作何感觉

当世界被感情蒙上一层灰而我 宁愿是最后的落叶

nothing

cant help but still wanna to blog.

At this hour hee hee.

Ytd was a scarey nite. The weather was so fine but the moment i went home reached the corridor, thunder roared. N there i saw that same pair of man shoes at the stairs.

Well, that pair of shoes was there for so long le. Only that fear triggered when Edward joked if i hear footstep at night...

Had dinner with Edward & Nick. Edward was kind to come n fetch me. Used to be Nick but since now we are far apart Edward has to be the one haaaaa ( but i think he feel happy to do it than if i get licence and drive ard haha). He is still not familar with this area and kept asking me how to get to PIE haha.. he enjoys talking to himself bah cos i really road idiot.

We had jap food and then ice cream. Then Edward was fast to delegate Nick to send me home as i took alot of Jap food+wasabi+sushimi+sake+ice cream+ uncooked waffle. Hahaaaaaaa they scare i leave a trail u noe wa lau.

The sudden thunder, strong wind and rain really caught me off guard. Really got scared. Din even dare to go and bathe. Took me awhile to do that. thanks to someone on line wiht me for awhile. After bath, played facebook. recently hooked on the bubble words. Then quickly ran back to bedroom on all the lights & Tv & radio, read book and fell asleep ;)

life goes on........

This is nothing maybe compared to tmr when he is back from China. He is moving his things out. But should be staying for say 4 days. Maybe lesser cos some nites he be dun noe whr with who (like i care). But when there is contact time, war may start anytime u noe lol

Arrgh... dun noe lah, i have to fill in my time slots. Maybe sat night go n find ppl to drink n drunk bah haiz 你不在当我最需要爱。。 haaa so crap me. No lah, jus that now the song is playing so i tot so timely LOL. Nevermind de, last time i also live with it. Now i think i still can. No matter what must give respect to the 1st occupant mah

dum dum di di lalalalallalalalalalalalalala

mangojo back in action...

cos she is plain lazy to own another blog n then keep forgetting password. N she still wanna to keep a blog but will fliter wat's in n out.

Happiness ard

PAsians are having quite good news recently.

Cheryl has given birth.

Heard Lecia is going to soon.

Then our little used-to-be rascal Princess is going to get married ;) Really this little gal has grown up over the years. She has gone through some tough road before and now i am really happy for her in finding her dar. This guy really dotes on her :)))

I wish one day i have such good news :)

人生和爱情原本是简单的。
人的自私和贪欲往往伤了别人也伤了自己。
谁比谁好
谁比谁美
一瞬间的诱惑
终生的遗憾
自食其果

后悔遗憾自责，留给你
希望永恒无悔，送还我

living in this world for 32 yrs
alot of things i still dun noe.

y ppl knoe n i dun noe dun noe dun noe

learnt to smile for sake of others (tat the only thing life force n endow me with?)

dun noe how to stay true happy
dun noe how to create happy happy mood
dun noe how to make other happy
dun noe how come keep makign ppl unhappy
dun noe y i cannot bring happiness to others

moving out

realise that something said is not really wat was meant.

unwittingly intrude other's privacy.

Cleaning up the mess now.

gonna to shift 'house' again.

let selected folks noe..

turning cold le

Thank you folks!

Kind of wanna do a concluding for this May 2008 - my birthday celebrations :)

Earlier on, i wrote on my blog that i would wish to have a month long bday celebrations and hope to get friends to give me wishes. Becos for past decade i was not happy. Always living in fear in May - my bday, ROM Anni and his bday. Supposed to be happy occasions but turned up either quarrel or realise he spent time with other women.

Mood was bad and low. There were still friends trying to cheer me up and even offered to spend the time with me.. i rem one yr Sleepy accompanied me throughout my actual bday. But i was still very bothered by his attitude.

Birthday was nothing as we will have it yearly as long as we still breathe. But the thoughts and wishes can really make u feel there is hope in this cold society.

Yr 2006 was the worst hit and Yr 2007 was still battling with false hope.

Closer to mid 2007 and especially from end 2007, i learnt and really started to live independently from r'ship burden. Somehow i forgive myself and him.

So this year i thought i would hope to really enjoy companion and care from friends (all who never forsake me). N really friends responded... old and new ones :)))))))

:)

Dear W came into my life unexpectedly de. But like he said, it is a very pleasant surprises for both of us bah :)

The new me now know how to balance friendship and GBR le :)

Really want to thank all friends who still stick to me even when i was a pain in the neck tryin to load my unhappiness on you all.... you guys continued to be patience and try to make me feel i m still a human :):):)

朋友，是你们帮我走出最阴暗的日子。谢谢， 我会珍惜这友谊的！
荣，谢谢你走进我的新生命。我会珍惜，小心翼翼的与你灌溉这一棵树苗。

Human really needs friendship and in this cold and materialistic society, you will still get genunie care...

Gathering with PAsian

:)

so happy to meet with friends from PA.'

Some cannot make it.

N so surprise that Pearl can make it. She really make efforts to come de cos she has to go home aft dinner to do other work...

Got nice treat from Ye Peng (now aka yu bing), Sleepy, Pearl and PS.

We went for drink but missed Pearl. Glad i able to 'qing' back haha. Folks, should treat me only whne i reach 21 yrs old mah

Bought camera but forget to pester to take pic wa lau

N this HK optical mouse.. so exciting. tat y i not zzz yet.. playing wiht it!

funny boy!

Yesterday ate with little Richard.

Very chatty and we talked quite abit. This time he din stormed out lol.

The food was good at suntec convention (steamboat). Maybe cos both were hungry so food was great!

Din noe he was NUS grad. He sounds more like 1st Clas honours from Uni of Hokkien hahahahahah o dear i so mean to him as usual.

We chatted abit and of course on bgf in general and gossip on others haha.

Then i made him wait with me for bus., But after 30min realised that the bus may not be in service lol. N proceeded to MRT.

So the spolit boy got to take MRT home.

Btw he had to stand two steps down so that i can talk to him on same level. told him i cannot raise my head too much as it adds to gravity pull n my low RBC can made me giddy looking at him. So when there is escalator and steps, he has to go down two to three steps haha.

xxx smsed me and offered to ride me back. But i was already in mrt so told him no need. However after some chatting heehee i went to TPY n he drove me back. Very spolit me hor? i was already tire and it was rather late le. Thanks xxx

e room is spinning...

having real low count for RBC, it does not help during menses period.

Feel myself floating.

Last nite during dinner i was already feeling light headed. Felt so bad cos i asked to go home earlier. Then in the train almost collapsed. Lucky early part Frank called to chat n can distract me from feel of giddiness.

It took me real efforts to bathe n then collapsed onto bed.

Dear advised me to take the TCM medicine and then after 30min take the pink pills. Din really persisted and fell asleep. As usual the cramp n pain tortured me whole night. Finally at 404am forced myself to wake up and took the pink panadol. It helped abit.

this morning at 704, dear dear gave me a wake up call. Lucky he rang if not i think i will still remain unconscious. Took me about 10min to struggle to get up. the room jus spinn...

Took milo and then the TCM medicine (left today to finish it). But not good mix as in the bus i felt nuasea. Now still feeling like throwing up. :(:(:(

Later have two meetings. N one of the staff really piss me off. Every single thing cannot do. Wasting alot of my energy.

really feel like goin to doc n do the blood test n see if RBC still dipping.. but dun wan lah waste money only.

Talking about yesterday, was v v v touched that Frank initiated to celebrate my bday. We went to a Korean resturant n food was great. Only that i do not know the shop name still. Later we went to a pub at Tg Pagar. But din really like such plc. Nevertheless Frank my 'big bro' really dote on me :):):) cos i cute! i called him bro and we are Koh! hahahaha

Tonite there is one more dinner with Richard young chap. Then Thursday with Sleepy & Bro bear .. wonder they manage to get PS or not. Then fri R&R, then sat maybe go JB and sun do hair n shop with Ying & Florence. Must drill the latter on her romance..

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
i have put behind the marriage and a decade of nightmare..

This period, W has been soooo soo nice toward me. His care & concern really really make me feel like human again.. have not been wanting a r'ship eversince woken up from marriage.. but this time it is sooooo different. Even during the bday period he did soooo much.. not the gift but the efforts n tots really touched me!

But he is someone that hold privacy dearly so din really declare much on us. Excited and worry... n he said i paranoid de.. haha... hopefully i really hope something good will come to this r'ship :)

e horrible thing happened!

suddenly w/o any pre warning.. co barred msn n chat room. Even ebuddy cannot!

sick!

disgusted!

depressing!!!

:(

i think the ppl mad.

They din realised that we also chat regard to work. damn it

hate them

thanks...

So many greetings from friends, ex colleagues n new friends :)

But i was working and it was not v smooth day. Missed a couple of phoncalls such as bro bear n Ernest. Sorry folks!

got this pot of flowers n believe me, the happiest moment!

Have always depict morning glory as myself... it is wild flower but also quite dependent. So many think i m 'wild' and strong character but actually i need that fence also ;) Of cos it is purplish hence i love it more more more!

next week..

the two days aft monday...

maybe will use work to drown myself on tuesday. Though it is a past, still mix of nitemare n some memory bah... or drag other out since someone wont be free on tuesdays...

wednesday goin to eat with a friend. Both of us fall sick too easily let see if we can really get toegether lol. should i still on my msn n then greet him bday?

karaoke on fri 30th?

dear friends

Too sick to follow up one by one...

so we onz har?

suddenly fever

virus jus attacked me out of sudden on monday evening.

No tell tale sign at all.

But it is of little surprise. My v v v low RCB count already got me tire too easily. so guess i m prone to virus infection.

N again, nothing to do with clubbing. Cos i was well well well de.

Felt so hot n cold n bones bitting aching. but doc wsa not too concern. Even medicine given was so pathetic. Maybe it got to do with me now under NTUC scheme? so i m not a value customer liao? if i really kena dengue will sue him lor.

piss

言不由衷

only last nite in bus, i was thinking of 'hopeful'
but worries roll in again.

Haiz, life is such.. dun wan to be a barrier but then worry.. maybe worry for nothing. but there are too many repeats in this life..

nvm think can still smile n give u best wishes de if......

用微笑配合　努力扮演好必须的角色

握紧的双手。。 其实拉不住什么。。

拥有了，失去。。 是人最辛酸的体验。
一个人可以承受多少的失去

失去过后，可以用时间来敷衍自己。
在知道将会失去的那刻，看着一一滑落手中，是最痛苦的。

我想我真的好害怕。

是宿命吗？无法逃脱命运？

还是会默默地支持你的。。。可能真的会是短暂的缘分。。那一点剩余的勇气希望可以陪你走一段路吧。。。

Surprise ! a wonderful bday celebration

GOSH

It was so well planned n i din even suspect anything.

A dinner that we (NICK, EDWARD n me) so used to go out n feast actually turned out to be a bday celebration for me!

Haha the moment i stepped into the restuarant, saw Winson n thought so coincident. Wanted to go over and shocked him.... then saw Edward.. stunned! then looked at the left side, all Sgpoolz ppl. I think i got the greatest shock! everybody jus carry on to eat as if nothing happen haha.

We took alot of pic while i have alot of Qn mark in my mind as how they coordinated.

:))))))))))

finally found out that Nick had this planned since March and Edward was the culprit, then Donna (Sgpoolz) was dragged in.... the celebration was changed as i cancelled it on 9 may. If not there will be more to join in. The PAsian group did not turn up... n Nick mentioned he wanna do more so i suspect he wanna drag my cohort mates as well de...... haha but he was too busy.

The coordination took part all over e world while Nick travel....

GOSH GOSH GOSH

n Winson dear never leak out a word!!!!!!!!!

really speechless n love love love all the tots n efforts........

thank you for letting me have a wonderful May :)

more pic in facebook in Donna's profile. She is my young young twin :)

revealing the secret sender

hmm so my guess is pretty rite!

It's RT... haha happen to be same initial as my current boss....

He was the second suspect in my list (self high again thought many will send me flowers heehee).

But he denied when i called him.

Last nite before i zzz suddenly got enlightened. He may felt bad for cancelling dinner yesterday (supposing a treat for my bday) so he should be sending flowers as replacement. Smsed him

Think he replied late n i was already fallen asleep. He said he just wan me to be happy... cool man! another friend wanna me to be happy. cos recently i complaint too much esp dwelling on the fact that Blood Donation Centre refused to take my blood due to real low RBC count. N i did teared abit in front of doc cos told her it is my bday mth n i wanna to do sth nice :(

Anyway, friendship is hard to come by and i treasure every friends. Thanks for all the good old friends and newfound friends, FOREVER FRIENDSHIP

Cheers!

PS: someone said dun keep telling him abt this case n look forward to weekend getaway. I do look forward de :):):)

Sad Sunday

Today went in attempt to donate blood at HSA.

Was rather rush and managed to reach there 30min before appt time.

:(

The doctor glanced at me and told me to do the blood test first, citing 'if cannot pass, then no need see doc so dun have to waste my time.' It seemed like she can tell i sure cant pass the test.

Went to the station crossing fingers .... then result out, my blood count is 8.8. So cannot pass. N went to see e doc. She really looked please with her prediction... But i dun blame her. cos when u r in a profession for too long, ur experience accumualted... She said usually need at least 12+ then can do the donation. She found it strange that my blood count is so low. I din tell her my last one @ co's doc was 9.9 n already the doc v concern...... She told me that i have to start eating right n rite quantity. N even so, i can only come back aft 6 mths. Told her i am very upset cos this is my bday mth, i wan to do so th good :(:(:( CRY CRY CRY

You are very nice to accompany me there and comforted me. Thanks for the wonderful day :) so sweetz. Especially when i jus refused to eat that bowl of noodles n u ate halfway n went to buy other food for me. Actually i did n do get tire too easily le (the doc was nto wrong to say i must be feelin tire v v v easily) that was y i changed mind and asked u to q for me. Usually i wont wan to disrupt when ppl eating de. Very sorry for being selfish.

Dun noe lah, hope thing is ok.

again again too quick to jump to my fault!

Y always like that.
Wat has it got to do with me?

Ask me to check ur credit card bill. Tried to update u n u Dun wan to listen

U said to help pay for u ur airfare for last trip. I saw u have another outstanding bill that is charged for late payment and told u. Without understanding, you jus put blame on me. Citing that u have asked me to check the bill for airfare so i must have let it lapse hence the late chargees...... But i jus got the bill and also the card u used for airfare is not the one u incurred late charges

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

still take me as ur punching bag?!!!!

也许自己不敢相信自己可以拥有幸福吧。。。

u asked how come things become like this... and whr is the trust...

It is not about not trusting you. Rather, i may have not trusted myself that i deserve L.

Decade of pain haunting me?

Whole night no zzz well again. Tis morning, it occurs to me that if this goes on, u may soon choose to become one of the passerbys in my life. Haiz, 我也不想这样的。。。

幸福-我能拥有吗？
你- 我能守住吗？
你我- 可不可以。。。

THink too much le?
Worry too much le?


Tat first nite @ clubbing could have leave some insecurity... And a few times when u tend to worry for Y... our age.. my insecurity... when can i break free from these worries...

help me...

searching for the drive to work

Not only to work but to excel...



wat happen to me!



Could i dry up my drive n passion back in PA?



i cant find myself involve again :(



wake up WAKE UP WAKE UP

it is so sad to put it to my blame..

if you wan to do sth jus do. Dun say actually for funz but dare not cos of me.

Haiz

very sick of such thingy.

For funz? but y zoning on that? so many times trying to shield her. But i m not that age to vie anything. LIke she said she wont not do that. It means somehow if so then...... well i noe i noe it is true also.

OKOK, i noe y. Cos i m jus secondary choice.

But dun have to tell me it is becos u worry i b not happy. Tat make me grey.

have e thought then jus do lor.

watever...

May

This yr May is a very nervous mth.

Last yr was terrible very terrible.

This yr i dun noe, anticipating but scare everyting gone before bday * phobia again.. i think i need to see psychologist haha.

Suddenly after so many yrs of tearful bday, i feel like celebrating. But without candles of cos haha.. i wish many ppl will send my greetings... cos i wan to smile

Beside the nervous and abit of worry of losing... this yr i think i m not tied down by 10 yrs of bday phobia.. phobia he spent his bday with whichever bitch (a few in sequence), worry ROM day he choose to ignore. Watever i was not happy for decade. Then again not all his fault. I could have close one eye de hor? haha

WATEVER, this yr on 26 May i wan to smile..... without candles of cos haha.. no lah, m not ashame of my age. Being in active ageing, i believe age is not a barrier to own self esteem :)

give me a hug when u see me on 26 may hor :):):)

wishes

Time flies past...

March was the mth i gave my blood for first time..

April kena bad news... doc said my red blood cell is v low n she sounded v worry.

Havent go for retest.

I noe sth not rite cos since few yrs ago, i been losing blood nightly... not alot but... sth not rite. At nite blood blend with mucus.. it getting too obvios. Sometimes i jus feel i need to blow out mucus but all r blood. Tonite again .. so irritating........


But i be sad if not allow to donate blood :(((((((((

This mth is the mth i feel i did disservice to the world.. by borning into the world. So wan to atone my sin...

wat is life when i cannot contribute back?

really good for nothing

such a nitemare :(

Slept yesterday and suddnely felt someone pressing me. Heard noises and feel movement ard. I am home alone :(((((((((

Tried to chant and pray and struggle to wake up.

Managed to wake up at 12midnite (wa lau!).

SMS, had a phone call trying to calm me down.

No choice but to wake up n locked main door and brush teeth. Was so scare that i skipped washing my face cos dare not close eyes... all done in a huff n hide in room. Switched on tv. SMS and then another phone call :)) but i think i got scared badly so din wan to affect other, so asked to put down phone.

:(( feel like crying again....

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

actually abit upset lah, said dun go then go. If no intention to remain then dun offer outright lah. really made me feel lousy.

I understand wed's nite already here and should go back de.
But dun offer.. there be some wrong notion. N it is not v nice to say then do then aft that change mind :((((((((( while i try to be understanding, it is abit upsetting. Haiz... so pretend to zzzzzz cos dun wan to show disapptment.

当 我还是 一个懵懂的女孩 遇到爱 不懂爱 从过去 到现在
直到他 也离开 留我在云海徘徊 明白没人能取代 他曾给我的信赖

See me fly, I'm proud to fly up high 不能一直依赖 别人给我拥戴
Believe me I can fly, I'm singing in the sky 就算风雨覆盖 我也不怕重来
我 已不是 那个懵懂的女孩 遇到爱 用力爱 仍信 真爱
风雨来 不避开 谦虚把头低下来 像沙鸥来去天地 只为寻一个奇迹
* See me fly (Let me fly), I'm proud to fly up high
生命已经打开

我要那种精彩

Believe me I can fly, I'm singing in the sky

你曾经对我说 做勇敢的女孩 *

我盼有一天能和你 相见 骄傲地对着天空说 是借着你的风

*我不会独单 因为你 都在

曾经

This morning heard this song from MP3.

你连笑起来都不快乐 你连做著梦都泪流

你把所有希望交给我 我却通通遗落在风中

你连笑起来都不快乐 你连做著梦都泪流

It brought back memories again.

Sorry my memories usually come with sorrow. There were sweet moments but the hurt seem overwhelmed over 10 yrs.

Dun noe since when, i wept in sleep.. dreams usually about him n that woman (sorry it is a series of women), he talked down on me, n he leaving... cant rem when it started, only imprinted in mind that it started becos he lied. 精神上的走私is lethal enough... then e nites he did not come home worst.

Becos of betrayal n afraid to know e truth n lack security.. alot of things happened.. it is affecting me alot...

我們之間的問題　是我不相信你 敏感又多心　怕你變了心 因為愛你　害怕失去你 ＊愛的天氣總是陰晴不定 愛的情緒也在歡笑中哭泣

Looking ahead, now after 2 yrs separation including cooling period and 'got over' period, Love comes in agian... it took me alot of struggle and courage to decide (damn i jus bad with words to describe that kind of feeling) ... m scare of cos, not only the other person but myself.. will heaven be more merciful to me? will i be a better girlfriend after going through the hell or will i bring hell to another innocent person? :(

现在的他是一道光束带着平凡的我走上奇迹旅途

Dear, 爱上了你之后我从来不哭

haiz..........

finally e much awaited days of the month started today. Earlier than normal cos of medicine.

Feeling so insecure as usual... maybe much more. N the aching n pain......

feeling down again... on train the sad gemini emerge.

suddenly tire again lor... if i m not me. .. how would it be? y do i always put on bravefront and think for others first. Y do i not say out wat i feel though my eyes may have already betray me. Y do i always customise my answers so that i wont show my disapptm...

everything is personal choice... think m such a boring person so always 2ndary

but y do i always say 'i' n still stubborn to think fate will change?

沉沉的睡了。。。

he said

Ytd very weird.

Saw ex hubby on msn.

So asked him when he is coming back. Cos i think it is only courtesy he ring me at least from airport that he will be back.

then as usual virtual fight started.

He said alot of unpleasant things. I told him i only request him to inform. I m sure it is jus plain courtesy.

But i did add that he dun come back in May cos i wan to have a peaceful bday hahaaha

As the bombin got intense i told him i wan to go zzz liao.

But he changed topic

Said y i alway write sad thing or bad msn nick.. for whole world to noe i m sad n feeling down. He started to preach tat i must b positive etc etc. Like now he is in China having a tough time but he will think positively...

so weird lei...

haaaaaaaaa come to think of it, it is cos he dun really comunicate with me lah. so he only see e side he wan to see...

maybe he is lonely there bah.. since many yrs ago, when we talked, he dominated conversation. When i talk he jus space out.

GOSh, i hope such thing dun happen in my new r'ship heeheeeeeeee

Human human, y do we take ppl for granted jus becos they are so within reach?

Sat's overhaul schedule

Got to jot down. Memory has been failing me badly

2pm - Haircut
3pm - eyebrow trimming (must rem to ask about the package fee for my colleague)
4pm - treatment @ Orchard Plaza :( sad tat is another $80 fly away from purse.

Then aft that be shopping le :P

Somehow i seem to lose some of my clothings... or shamefully been putting on weight so many clothes cannot wear de. When i join SgPoolz, i dun have to repeat my top for 30 days now it seemed i m repeating weekly. Strange le!

i hope i can go swimming soon .. well dun really call that swimming but at least some movements :P

It's friday but..

i still on recovering mode so cannot go clubbing le.

Miss music, dancing n abit of drink.

But i shall endure. Your efforts to make me recover n all the herbal tea and TCM powder are working real well, of cos TLC is the most lethal weapon against virus heehee.

Tonite maybe jus shop ard this area for some cheap earrings and tees bah :)

It's friday n i m alone............................ note it 's alone not LONELY lor.

haha

still sick...

These few weeks, i would wake up about 3 or 4am and cough till 6+. By the time i can really have a better sleep, it would be 7am alrady.

The cough was continous until i feel sharp pain and panting for breath.

Have abandoned medication for 2 days then this morning i gave in again. Took the cough syrup. It helps to subside the cough but now i feel i m floating :(

Past 2 weeks was bad for me cos i was always in a daze until i jus do everything wrong. Got alarmed n hence decided to abandon medicine.

N the doctor's caution on my red blood cell and platelet count. Still awaiting for me to fully recover before going for another test to confirm if ...

if u r a friend, stop hurting me

haiz...

y like tat?

u said cos u r concern for me. U noe that this is not going to be lasting so u wan to remind me n wake me up.

U said it all started with LUST so there wont be any good ending. I wil only end up hurt

All these yrs u told me that ppl like to conquer women like me; matured, married, strong character at work and charismatic character. I make ppl feel comfortable to be with.

Keep saying men wan to bed me.

Think that cos i am lonely and he is lonely n cos he wan my body so we are together.

Y say these? u said u r stating the fact.

Wat make you say so?

All these yrs, you been trying to get close to me. Maybe have some fantasy on me. But does that mean all men r like that?

Wat lust? wat body? wat sex? wat lonely?

Firstly i dun think i have good body and good sex to provide men. I m also not a prositute n no intention to be one. I do not need sex as u thought i require. (if i was really so bitchy n desperate, i would have let my hubby bed me!).

Wat lonely? there is ppl who are alone but not lonely. Maybe u r not this type of species so u think all must be lonely n then find a sex partner? i dun need it. To me sex is when there is love n trust.

Human tend to have moment of weakness. Yes, i do. and at times i teared in front of you. Cos i trusted u. I can complain outfront my unhappiness, but selectively i showed my tears.

I m writing al these becos i feel v hurt. Wan our friendship to last.

If you treat me as friend, can you be with me? standby me? i dun noe wat lies ahead. if there is bad ending, jus be with me.

and to those women ard me who think i m too cheap as compared to u.... stop it. I do not bed ard.

yes i m frustrated. I hate friends like this. How u wan me to react? claiming u care for me n tell me such hurtful thingys i should feel happy? i cant. I m human. Yes i m still human despite i was a discarded goods. Stop imposing your views on me n tell me such hurtful things. U all think u all very 清高？sometimes it thin line between pretenious n that. If i tell u these upfront u sure feel angry. Think for others then.

abit back to reality

feel like crying

felt sth sharp piercing into the heart.

okok, the sky n the ocean is only a line difference when look far.

i should be able to take it dun i?

每天的第一件事

你送的灯　像在床头放了星星
让我每一个梦　都闪耀著暖意 在捷运裏　
一通贴心的简讯 赶走了　我的黑色星期一
你翻杂志　费心挑选的餐厅 不管它好不好吃　我都笑得满意
我打了一年　还没送你的毛衣 你介不介意　我改打围巾

每天张开眼睛第一件事就是想你
空气有草莓的香气
每天幻想柳橙色的为俩盖在草地 让我们发明最美的约定
你的周围　大多事要你烦心
就算我帮不了忙　至少让你放心

我努力克服　容易害羞的毛病 敢和你　抢著先说我爱你

每天分手回家第一件事就是复习 快乐和感动几比几
每天都是因为你而看见风和日丽
你为我发明最美的天气 好像新鲜果汁　
纯粹的透明 你在我玛克朵上　画上了一颗心
你是我今天　醒来第一个原因

这一次　先听我说我爱你 这一次　先听我说我爱你

m sorry

dun mean to doubt u.

maybe worry of losing

SORRY

prolonged sickness

Feeling weak n drowsy every minute.

Lost soul

Lost concentration

Lost taste bug

Lost sleep

Lost life

On msn with ex hubby.

He asked how come all along especially during marriage i did not seem to trust him.

I asked him an irritating qn which likely all men hate but it hit the core of the issue. I asked what he has done and not done for me to trust him.

The last time i trusted him was to go ahead with ROM despite he lied a couple of things. He asked me to give chance and to trust him. I did amongst all the tried stoppages from others. i gambled my happiness becos i chose to believe n trus him.

While we were together, he changed job. I trusted him and gave him all the support for him to step out into corporate world. I encouraged him to take the chance. Then another woman came in. Then he lied to me that he went biz trip just 2 weeks before our ROM but was with a group going on tour. Going a group tour is nothing much. But he has to lie. Lie is not much as compared to his acting. He took out documents stuff into his bag and told me how stress he was. That sincere and stress look. I still rem how i felt xin teng for him.

His frequent lies so as to be with that gal. His openly comparison on how good she is how bad i m. haiz alot of lies how to get me trust him? i could not even trust myself when with him.

Really in a r'ship TRUST is very important. Lies get u nowhere. Cos the more u need to lie, the more lies u need to cover up the previous. Then the r'ship and mutual trust jus break. Like a mirror, the crack will always be there.

Sometimes you will noe by doing something may hurt ur partner, but be open and talk about it and not telling lies. Cos the other partner is not stupid and does not want to be taken as idiot. When truth unfolds, the damages is not sth u wan or u can shoulder. Dont hurt others cos u have no rite to hurt others.

Treasure the trust build. Trust can be build over yrs but can be gone in split second

Trust, stay true and open ur heart to ur partner...

I hope he will do that to his next person :)

暖暖的

都可以随便的
你说的我都愿意去
小火车摆动的旋律
都可以是真的
你说的我都会相信
因为我完全信任你
细腻的喜欢
毛毯般的厚重感
晒过太阳熟悉的安全感
分享的汤 我们两支汤匙一个碗
左心房暖暖的好保暖
我想说其实你很好 你自己却不知道
真心的对我好 不要求回报
爱一个人希望他过更好
打从心里暖暖的 你比自己更重要
都可以随便的 你说的我都愿意去
回忆里满足的旋律 都可以是真的
你说的我都会相信 因为我完全信任你
细腻的喜欢 你手掌的厚实感
什么困难都觉得有希望
我哼着歌 你自然的就接下一段
我知道暖暖就在胸膛
我想说其实你很好 你自己却不知道
真心的对我好 不要求回报
爱一个人希望他过更好
打从心里暖暖的
你比自己更重要
我想说其实你很好 你自己却不知道
从来都很低调 自信心不高
爱一个人希望他过更好
打从心里暖暖的 你比自己更重要
我想说其实你很好 你自己却不知道
真心的对我好 不要求回报
爱一个人希望他过更好
打从心里暖暖的 你比自己更重要
我也希望变更好
lalalalala~~~~`

Ill

Throat is so dry. Not been zzz well last nite.

Tried to zzz about 10ish and woke at 1106pm.

Then after putting down phone, tried zzz but roughly woke up every 15min.

The best is i thought i had zzz very long. A check on my hp showed it was almost every 15min i woke.

Some timings i checked and found amused.
2.33am, 3.33am, 4.44am etc etc so i tend to wake up and check phone on xhr.33am.

Tuned to FM933 whole nite.

Was sweetly told if i cant zzz, give a call. But no lah, i wont. I cant zzz i wont go and disturb others de :)

Good Morning mangojo